When my mother talks about it, it’s always the man choosing the woman. She says, “He liked her,” and “He chose her.” It makes me rage. So, one day, when I’m feeling vicious, I might ask her how it feels no man chose her daughter.

(struggles to come up with a “Mother” joke)

This is not very metal at all, Glenn Danzig.

I hope we get to that point as marriage slowly moves from the utopical “till death do us part” paradigm toward a “eh, let’s do this while it makes sense for both”.

Wait, isn’t that just giving a blow job with an ice cube in your mouth while your partner screams in Russian?

C’est un homme who doesn’t have le temps for your merde, Donald.

My optometrist did remark on how fresh my eyes smelled.

I have a theory that “if someone accuses other people of something that those other people likely aren’t doing, that means it’s something the accuser is doing and hiding.”

Ryan Seacrest is upset that Katy Perry is being offered way (waaaay) more to do American Idol than he is. [Page Six]

Yeah, Cosby, because the thought of someone making you ingest something against your will and knowledge is pretty fucking horrifying, huh?

I think maybe lt wetter is not allowed to give the exact number, but he’s throwing the reporter a bone by confirming that it’s a number in a range that is definitely racist.

It’s a cult mindset.

I’m so glad the conservative part of my family is in France which makes them liberals in the US.

I’m not sure who drives me more insane: the Trump supporters or “anybody-than-Hillary” voters, especially those that are shocked, SHOCKED, at what a giant cluster this administration is.

Do you ever get a feeling like we’re living in The Pod People movie? There can’t be that many willful idiots out there ... right?

My dad just said that whoever is leaking all of this info should be hanged cause he’s a traitor. I asked him if the subjects of these leaks should also be punished. Of course he was like no. I promptly blew up at him, reminding him he wasn’t worried about the person(s) who leaked the info from the DNC.

Alternate Title: Chip Faps over Shiplap

My money is that they would have won state if coach put him in.

I don’t think Beauty and the Beast is remotely Stockholm Syndrome. She volunteered to be there in lieu of her dad’s prison sentence. (Is life in prison a harsh sentence for breaking and entering and stealing a rose from a French noble? Perhaps but a revolution is coming to France don’t you worry.)  They bond over…

Watson is definitely good, but not nearly as good as the actors in Olive Garden commercials. You genuinely feel like they are enjoying Olive Garden, which they aren’t.