Like that camera, middle class families are extinct.

I won’t be happy until this guy is behind uneven bars

This might lose me some friends here, and excuse me for this Hot Take, but I’m just going to come out and say it...I’m starting to think that Ted Cruz is kind of unlikable.

Replace "Smith" with "Churchill" and I agree.

jfc it’s the rick and morty butter robot.

Fucker Fartson. I’ll take my Pulitzer now.

By now, October 31 should be a day of martial law in Haddonfield. How many horny teenagers have to die before the sleepy, fictional Midwestern town bans trick-or-treating, outlaws William Shatner masks, and puts a small army on every leaf-covered street corner?

Your rebuttal is too confrontational.

Does the technician get to affix a little sticker of a fighter jet to the outside of his toolbox now?

On the one hand, I can sympathize with him. Our driveway has several oak trees overhanging it, and I don’t always take the time to put on shoes when I step outside for something. Lego blocks have nothing on an acorn cap. They’re Nature’s caltrops. Even worse than those tiny bits of gravel that you step on that somehow…

He makes Chris Christie “clean the Jersey turnpike” for him.

Are we sure that’s regular toilet paper and not the Constitution with which he usually wipes his ass?

That’s a very small piece of toilet paper for such a large piece of shit.

Jesus if that’s where Cabbage Patch Kids come from I’d hate to see where Garbage Pail Kids come from...

I have a slightly related question about my plumber...

I hear the whinging of the vegans terrorizing French butchers.

And why didn’t he, the largest friend, simply eat the other five?

He won’t go to gen pop, but he’s totally gonna zip zop wop bippity bee bop.

The harmonicas are obvious: Blues Traveler tribute band.

The preferred nomenclature is "Seuss-a-phone."