You are absolutely doing this right. I would like to add to this; “Grows new hair and fingernails to replace older versions”. I think that’s so fucking hot.

45. Writes self serving humblebrag posts on Jezebel and shows wife all the stars he got because he’s an awesome feminist.

I’m like hey, nothing makes me laugh more than penguins, can I have some in my house? I know the weather’s not ideal but therapy baby.

Well now I’m worried about his gazzilion sisters and the football team he is surely planning to have with his wife.

I got $5 says he is married - but not to her.

I have been waiting all my life to share these (disturbing) sexts with the Internet. I knew I saved them for a reason. They are from a dude I met at a party 5 years ago and he sent them to me out of the blue one Saturday morning. I was NOT DOWN to get them.

I just sent this in but I am a grey and it probably won’t get read. In negotiations for a three-some with my current male lover we had a plan whereby I was having a promising third man (who is bi) over. I was to warm him up to the idea and then invite lover #1 over. I wrote: “He is adorable. I can’t wait to have you…

I texted my husband a picture of my boobs when he was out of town once. He texted back a long response about the “dangers of the cloud.”

novelty lubes are a mistake. nothing like a flaming hot hole when your warming novelty lube is super effective.

I have to explain to her that it’s not alchemy or magic that transmutes peppercorns into pepper

There’s a special section in heaven reserved for people who have had to deal with old people arguing over change.

When I worked at Starbucks, people would tell me they were allergic to foam when ordering their no foam lattes.

Apparently, there’s a SFW counterpart to Rule 34 - I did a GIS for “mug of chino” (also, let me just say that a top result before I switched to images was Yahoo answers of somebody asking cuz they were too embarrassed to ask their friends what a “cup of chino” was is, well, sad), and I found precisely what came to…

“How dare you mock the guy for not knowing what the beach is? Some people make it to age 50 without visiting the beach and somehow completely missing the ever-present representations of beaches in popular culture. Besides, many people suffer from Glorpman’s Syndrome, which is an inability to understand the…

I don’t agree with making kids eat everything they hate, but they damn sure shouldn’t get to sit in their plain-hamburgers-with-ketchup-and-maybe-plain-cheese-pizza comfort zone all the time (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, MY YOUNGER BROTHER WHO DID THIS UNTIL HE WAS FUCKING 20).

I’m on record as saying there’s a place in the discussion for people with all levels of food preferences, but now I see that no, there is not. For these specific people—the people who as adults (OSTENSIBLY) will only eat chicken nuggets and pizza—they are not allowed to take part in any conversation about food. Adults…

Agreed. There is a difference between truly not liking something and inventing absurd / arbitrary reasons for not eating something.

Kids should be required to at least try anything before they reject it because “it looks funny,” though. I don’t agree with making kids eat everything they hate, but they damn sure shouldn’t get to sit in their plain-hamburgers-with-ketchup-and-maybe-plain-cheese-pizza comfort zone all the time (I’M LOOKING AT YOU, MY…

Its a good reason plain clothes cops should not be a thing.

He also seems to have really beat the shit out of that guy (who btw is just over 5 ft tall, so hardly a big dude) and yet there doesn’t seem to be any mention of him. Does he not count because he wasn’t under arrest? I’m confused by this!