Correction: Not everything is political.

I mean, how many times do I need to say, “FRIED CHICKEN VODKA.”

Not to go all Lifehacker on you, but I was this many years old when I realized that I could wipe out the liquid detergent cups with dirty laundry going into the clothes washer so that the cups didn’t become all gooey and nasty and, thus, wasting precious drops.

Here’s the difference in Florida: A tender resembles a cat turd when it accidentally wedges under a child’s car seat and petrifies all summer long in the heat. A nugget under the same conditions just looks like a desiccated state of Florida. Upon discovery, both smell like grim death.

Here you go, dude.

For those too young to remember, there was a place called Rax that once marched across the country delivering roast beef (like Arby’s only better) and all-you-could-gullet salad, potato and pasta bars.

It angers me with molten intensity how simple this is and how I failed to see this remedy, especially on Thanksgiving night when I’m hand-washing the 5,000th special family heirloom glass.

Morbid curiosity DVR selection.

Yeah. Don’t.

The cookbook and media awards, I get. Beard was primarily a writer and teacher.

You don’t get to 30 years of marriage by accident.

I wasn’t complaining.

Like chewing someone’s leftover, dried-out gum. And not Bubble Yum. We’re talking Dentyne.

My wife bought me a bag of these type of marshmallows on Amazon two weeks ago. What can I say? I married well.

Mmm. Delicious troll. I’ll have another slice.

How did it take this long and why is there no Chronic and Tonic?

That’s exactly what Big Pig and Big Cow want you to think.

Your passion is thrilling.

No, but now I’m sausage-curious.

As in .. I think it’s a shame people want to call a hot dog a sandwich?