Best use of summer tomatoes:

That there is some quality, high-velocity, action-packed fisting.

Clenched a little. Not gonna lie.

As long as we’re being transparent in advertising, Bud Light, after 27 years, also contains no actual hootchie nor any authentic, locally sourced koo.

Giant bean:

First-ever car date. 16 years old. Gigi’s Pizza. With Jeanne Osborne.

Interesting. Like a chalupa taco sandwich.

“That’s what.” - She

You read books backward, don’t you.

The addition of the crunchy taco with the two chalupas isn’t random. You eat the chalupas first - Of course you do. THERE’S TWO OF THEM. - and then you eat the crunchy one.

Chalupas are already so poofy and comfortable in my mouth, they should come with a sleep number.

One big difference: Taco Bell is not Mexican food. It’s an airbag for your liver.

It’s like that old Jerry Seinfeld bit about “new and improved” Tide detergent: “It’s nice to know someone out there is still working on Tide.”

Pro-tip: Use some of it for making Boston Brown Bread in a can.

Missed one:

What is Florida? It’s eating coconut shrimp and sipping a coconut daiquiri from a hollowed-out coconut while dining at a place called Cha Cha Coconuts while wearing coconut-scented sunscreen.

Kate, Jacksonville isn’t Florida. It’s Georgia’s taint.

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, I threw tomatoes as a child at La Tomatina: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Right, right. I know you’re right. 

Some asshole named Dorian is going to run wet and naked through my backyard this weekend.