Hot take.

“Hey, this place got a one-star from someone who didn’t like what they ordered. I REALLY want to go now!” - no one, ever

Premade hummus already doesn’t taste like much, let’s be honest.

Or, you know, do something novel and keep it to yourself. That’d be a switch.

“In retrospect, we were more Snipers than Shooters.”

Anyone interested in 1.2 million anti-microbial balls?

Every time you chew that thing you chew.

Send it back. Immediately. You’ll never recover from that steep of a dive.

Oh, Costco.

Black coffee. Start there. Maybe try not nuclear roasting the ever-loving hell out of your beans. That’d be a nice switch. Everything they make starts with a base of licking-an-ashtray-dumped-on-truck-stop-asphalt flavor.

IN MY DAY, WE HAD A STOVE THAT BURNED FORESTS AND POLLUTED OUR SKIES ... AND WE LIKED IT!

Thank God that fried chicken vodka didn’t make the cut.

Face it, if you’re storing coffee for six to nine months in one of those foil bags, you’re not a coffee drinker. You’re a coffee hoarder.

Affirmative.

Hey, I offered. Next thing I know, this shows up.

Skin from several chicken breasts.

To be clear, nobody asked.

Affirmative.

So, you didn’t follow the recipe - which wasn’t a recipe because I didn’t know it would eventually become a post and would have had more detail - but you wrote about it anyway.

Dear Salty,