Not since Babe Ruth have we had a pitcher best known for his ability to "Touch 'em all."

I bet Rivera set him up.

As a scientist? I really have to hand it to you that you went on this deep-dive into this topic. This is pretty much what I’d have expected, if a journalist tried to find an answer to a controversial scientific question, and yet you didn’t try to streamline all this insanity or cut it down. You let it be long and…

I’m holding out for “Mirror Fight 2: Hospitalized Drewgaloo”

A good hot dog is still a remarkably disappointing bratwurst. 

Oddly enough, Temujin’s entire empire was built from rage over a perceived slight by Ong Khan, who told him he looked “spanish.”

When she said “Mongolian” she was dog-whistling “retarded.”

There must have, at some point, been a semblance of a human being inhabiting the husk that is Kellyanne Conway, considering that her Democrat husband hasn’t yet thrown all her belongings to the curb. 

George, you might want to take your kids and go, before you find this ghoul eating them some night.

“Drew’s parents—your son has touched us all.”

“Currently NOT dead” sure sounds like something a guy who HAD BEEN dead would say...

Thank goodness. This means I can stop calling up random Williams-Sonoma employees and yelling at them. 

Good to see Drew avoided the clutches of BIG DEATH.

I bet it comes out that Drew was in a coma and somebody reading him this news brought him out of it. 

Somewhere, Kaepernick’s lawyers are high-fiving.

Still only the 2nd most impressive rise from the dead today:

Thanks for publishing these emails. As they say, sunlight is the best disinfectant, and it also prevent Ricketts.

Holy shit, if you can’t trust football coaches & Catholic priests these days who can you trust?

(...would have clotheslined that asshole)