If you encounter a man in the wild, make yourself appear larger- open your jacket, raise your arms, throw stones, branches, etc., without turning away. Wave raised arms slowly, and speak slowly, firmly, loudly to communicate that you are not prey and may actually be a danger to it.

Wait, that one's for panthers. But…

So... wear modest clothing such as a parka and loose snowpants on a year-round basis, don't wear makeup or do my hair so no one asks "who I'm trying to look good for", never go places by myself, make sure that I only go places with other women, have a gun (why not?!), wear those anti-rape underwear and that nail…

i'm so ready for fucking “instagram brows” to not be a thing anymore. perfectly square in the middle and doing that godawful color-fades-out-into-the-space-between-the-eyebrows business. she's a gorgeous girl, but those are more Anthony Davis than Cara Delevingne.

glorious. I’m still over there like

it may be warm, 1/4 full, and 2 months old, but goddamnit if she still doesn't come out on top.

FYI, all of the old articles are still up (for now) if you want to go back and reminisce!

no problem, girl! pair those pajama pants with whatever shirt you're wearing right now, just to keep it simple! ;)

holy shit that is too good. "Sorry, Jessica, we only found 2 bouquets worth of wildflowers, so yours is going to have to be this Miller Light can wrapped in a plastic bag."

IT’S SO GOOD.
Commenter 1: “Pretty sure I’m done too and I’m planning on a destination elopement so I guess we can all call it even. I won’t go to theirs and they won’t go to mine”
Commenter 2: asks friendly question about where they’re planning to elope
Commenter 1: “Oh we haven’t actually made any plans as a couple,…

We need to take this to the Facebook comments as well. Already got someone with an $18 dress who split a plate of Chinese food as “reception food”. #blessed

Hey, I have a wino dad too! I wonder if he knows about Grueeeeeeet (said in French accent)

ah, fuck. I read that wrong in the original post. thanks, edit button!

there are a lot of great comments here, but this is the best one.

Ooh, a hipstery hot-take on weddings! Just what we all needed. “*I* got married before Facebook. *I* served my guests champagne out of a truck bed before Pinterest told everyone that vintage is cool again. *I* think that everyone else should just elope in pajama pants, with no family or friends present, because four…

“I work out for 15 minutes, 3-4x a week! You can do it too!”

Hi there, Baby Fit Gym (that fucking name, though)! Here’s a little secret from outside the small bubble of Instagram mommyfitness in which you exist: some people’s bodies... react differently to exercise... than other people’s! *mindexplosion.gif*

I’ve been…

Yes, I supposed we could substitute the crying in for the whole Angus bit.

oh my GOD, I see the light. Fucking Angus. One drunk dial and now we're both banned.

You’re not allowed to say that anymore, JASON!!!

The Ginger Drunk Twat Called Angus would be 100% correct, except that my name is not Angus. Apparently my other half really is out there... *single tear rolls down smiling cheek*

I originally read the title as Texas. Have you written that piece yet?