Or this guy:

Apologies if I touched a nerve. I joke not because it's a trivial issue, but because it's at once so outlandish and unlikely that it strikes me (at least) as pure and stupid and empty political rhetoric. Like Rick Perry, naturally.

But I for one would much prefer Texas to turn blue than for it to secede. And I…

Can't a person like the commercials but dislike the scent?

I mean, isn't that why we threw off the mantle of British oppression — because we liked the commercials for the East India Tea Company but hated the smell?

Do you have to stay?

You mean other than the searing of my olfactory senses?

You don't think "Lorenzo Garcia" sounds like a Mayflower name? Really? What textbooks are *you* reading, hmmm?

Also: Do you find Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz and Bobby Jindal delicious? Ironic? Ironically taste-free?

Are you just experimenting with the BOLD function? Or is there some sort of point in there?

That's not fair to beef jerky.

Oh, sure.

When they stage an obnoxious, reductionist stunt about undocumented migrants, it "sparks" a campus-wide "discussion."

But when I tell the Young Conservatives of Texas that Rick Perry was a better collegiate cheerleader than George Bush, it "sparks" a hail of Sperry topsiders and accusations of treason.

Maybe…

At this point in history, in this day and age, this behavior is truly astonishing.

I mean, who would've thought that a *public school* in Alabama would take a break from Abstinence Only education and stories of the War of Northern Aggression to teach the Indian Removal Act of 1830?

Must have been a teacher from…

Well hallelujah Hollylujah!

The world thanks you.

No, no. I don't think that's what it's called.

Thanks for the note, though.

You guys had a very weird conversation, didn't you?

That was you?

Doing nothing?

You call making sure that the floor doesn't float away nothing?

Those fish had to be huge! It's what all of those school kids ate for lunch, right?

I thought the genius of Slurpee machines was that they *did* clean themselves . . .

So are you being sarcastic?

It can be hard to pick up in print, I've heard . . . .

That's wild.

But a question: Did lunch take, you know, nine hours? That one-by-one prayer thing sounds like it'd take forever . . . .

One time, a woman Lookadoo was dating borrowed that necklace and wore it to meet some friends. Was that a mistake? Um, yes!

Suffice it to say that relationship ended faster than Satan can say "San Francisco" — and that woman is not allowed anywhere near Orange County again.