True.

And we all like our comedy, however dark and pernicious. But I'd like her better if she were in the small, small minority in the House — not in the majority.

It got quashed before it saw the light of day.

I'll never be able to watch Hair the same way again, though.

Why can't it be all of those things at once?

Michelle Bachmann is incapable of humor.

I'm not sure if that answers your question, but it's true.

Glad to help a little bit. Aquariums are always funny . . .

(Any hope for a better day tomorrow?)

Oh, Michelle.

This is pitiful, obnoxious, and totally inaccurate.

As Mr. Peterson well knows, there are no "7E's of HOOKING UP" for frat kids at Georgia Tech. There are merely 4:

(1) Encounter (spot a girl or group of girls)

How much money does Maury Compson have?

So maybe Fox News is just one big performance art gag?

How can I assure you?

Something like this once happened to me!

A few years ago, I was Val Kilmer's understudy in a regional production of Grease. (Our role, naturally, was Rizzo. Val is very talented.) I never expected to see the stage, but I was told — emphatically — that I had to attend every performance. So I did, for the first few…

Hmm.

I thought that, on Fox News, the notion that Obama was secretly the Anti-Christ wasn't hypothetical at all. I thought that was, you know, gospel truth over there.

Sort of delicious, I guess. And it's part of me now, so I may as well embrace it.

But don't overestimate America's culinary instincts. Folks often do screw up pop-tarts. That's why most people eat 'em cold.

Do you need outside endorsement?

Maybe.

But Hasselback ain't getting that from me.

And, really, she doesn't need it at Fox News. You want to antagonize those viewers? Don't say something racially insensitive. That won't work. Say something legitimately thoughtful. That'd blow their minds.

You can make them yourself? Is that because you grew up on tacos?

(For context, I grew up on a steady diet of organic cardboard.)

"acting as . . . "

Acting isn't being, as you said.

If it were, I'd be the world's greatest castanet maker. I sure act like I am.

But tacos are delicious. There's no disputing that.

Someone help me here.

Was "Elisabeth Hasselbeck acting as the 'voice of moderation'" the fifth or the sixth sign of the Apocalypse? Or the eighth? I can't recall.

I've forgotten my mythology . . . .

Slow down there, nono.

It's a Sleep Number mattress. So, you know, totally consensual.

He'd probably be someone who . . . is short on neck . . .

Well, sometimes . . .