No. I'm a part-time mermaid/man.

So it's a miracle to shove one's head that far up one's ass?

(Figuratively speaking, of course.)

Does ignoring, for decades, a massive sexual abuse scandal count as a "miracle"?

Good thing she dropped him before her empire started to crumble.

Say what you want about Paula Deen, but she's always been at the forefront of things — dietary requirements, race relations, PR . . .

O'Brien is the real deal, no? What happened in the program defies comprehension — and it certainly tore down a facade of noble integrity — but that's not his cross to bear. He's just a coach, and it seems like what he's done on and off the field is incredible. Wonder if it'll last.

The rest of the AD seems like an…

Oh.

When they reinstall the statue, will they make any modifications? Will JoePa have his eyes closed, perhaps? Maybe be staring at his shoes?

If he does well there, I hear there's room for a statue . . . .

Upset I was charging full price? It was your stork's tooth foot, you know.

So which Big 10 team will Brad Stevens be coaching in 2015?

So I was practicing without a license?

Stork-dentist-podiatrist.

As if podiatrists weren't already disrespected enough . . . .

The Cumberland Gap.

Or the Gap in the Sherman Oaks mall.

Or maybe I misunderstood the question.

That was you?

Hmm.

I went to a place once that expected me to pay for my own food and beverages while someone else took care of "decor, photography, attire" and the rest.

It was called a restaurant.

I found the whole thing incredibly gauche, so I never went back.

This is the longest set up for an ARISTOCRATS joke ever.

Votes GOP.

That new Elle cover . . . .

The hair, the leg positioning, the lighting, the bracelets — it's all so Bazaar.

The incident?!?

That was you?

Well, stork-dentist-podiatrist, if you want to be precise about these things.

But that's all in the past, really. I don't talk about it much, in part because of the court order.