I blame Kinja.

Remember: Like a saw on a t-shirt once, "The Best Craftsmen Always Blame Their Tools." I think DaVinci said that.

I thought the University of Iowa was in Chicago. At least that's what I got from the 2008 presidential election, when everyone was decrying Obama's hold on the state . . . .

It's best to be protected. And only raise the visor if you have to.

(Unrelated: Did you attend the University of Chicago School of Law? No need to divulge personal info if you'd rather not. I'm just curious, mostly since you're smart like the kids at the University of Chicago.)

Apologies.

Sometimes I get lost in my notes.

I haven't discussed stork anatomy since dental school.

Your choice, really.

Just so you know, though, I'm wearing one of these:

Yes.

But be especially careful with the orange ones. We're talking storks, after all.

That'll do. It'll also haunt my dreams tonight, but that's another matter. For now, we'll use it.

But don't feel the need to jump on the 4/5. Or the A/C. Or the MetroNorth. Or JetBlue. You don't need to be in Manhattan in a Woody Allen sense. You simply need to be in Manhattan in a Paul Auster sense. And some…

Well, I'll guess we'll have to make do with what we've got, but if your understanding of stork anatomy is forever compromised, I don't want to be blamed.

Anyway, 60 watts, preferably — and nothing more powerful. With what we're going to do, you'd burn your eyes out.

How many highlighter pens do you have in your…

I like where you're going with this.

And extra points if it finishes, somehow, with Paula Deen yelling at Jimmy Carter to get off of her lawn.

Also: In a few short steps, we'll be talking about hiphopocracy — which will be both great and ironic considering the context.

Good. Great.

Back to it then.

Now squeeze the toothpaste tube by the number between 4 and 6 cubed — no more, no less. Gather the discharge in an emptied bottle of VitaWater (flavor immaterial, though I prefer Coruscating Berry, or whatever the hell it's called). Now find a picture of Bea Arthur, though not like the…

Don't be sorry. I really am glad to hear it. I'm just sort of befuddled by compliments — or, really, the notion that I've delighted anyone at anything. It's so new to me!

Whatever the case, use hipocracy well. If you don't, the Warriors of Bushwick will come to get you (after they finish at Roberta's, of course).…

I've never doubted your commitment.

(Kidding aside, thank you! I don't know how to respond, but I really do appreciate it!)

I thought "hipocracy" was what all the kids in Williamsburg were doing.

Is that wrong?

Cool mint.

Not Fresh mint.

This is an important distinction going forward.

Is it true that Lauren Shields' next project is an "internet journal" chronicling how she completely stopped going online?

Well okay.

So start by imagining a guava — not in black and white, but in full techni-color. Now imagine a tube of Crest toothpaste — not Colgate, not Mentadent, only Crest. Now think of a number between 4 and 6 . . .

With me so far?

And you haven't even seen these graphics . . . .

Touche.

But it'll be hard to get the graphics right in these little Kinja boxes . . .

Storks have vaginas?

Like Ye Olde Curiositee Shoppe?

If it sways your vote, I should tell you that I am wearing pants.