Tribalism runs so deep that even people who explicitly devote themselves to reason, humanism, and enlightenment can come up with sacred cows, heretics, and so forth right on the spot.

Dude, I'm on your side. I think people here are being dicks, and if it was conservatives asking a Muslim to 'prove' he's one of the good ones, everyone would see right through it.

That doesn't sound like a weird thing so much as a natural and beneficial (from their perspective, not society's) defense mechanism.

I do think the level of actual violent hate-crimes we have is inconsistently low with the amount of bile that gets spewed on extremists-friendly websites and comment sections, and I half-seriously think it's because they really are too fat, lazy, and easily-distracted (college football, Nascar, reality TV) to go out…

Comments section ethnic war is GO!

"Gunhaver! Blue Laser has escaped to the Flag Land Base!"

I sometimes wonder about what the level of self-awareness is in Scientology-land. I mean, I know it's low, but how low? Are they aware that everyone else in the world uses them as a synonym for 'evil cult' or do they think this movie will ruin their previously-spotless reputation?

Ebola is terrible. GET CANCER INSTEAD!

"Hey, go fuck yourself, LOSER!"
"S-senpai noticed!"

The irony is that Donald Trump spends his Halloween beating up kids, stealing their candy, and saying something about socialism when they complained.

Ah, but! Free health care.

Genre might be too strong, but I think you could string together a pretty lengthy "'America is shit', say Americans" film festival with The Deer Hunter, Born on the Fourth of July, They Shoot Horses, Don't They?, Winter's Bone, and so forth.

That might actually be a good way to get a (metaphorical) pity fuck. There are some nerds who get so agitated at watching other people embarrass themselves like that that they'll take the bait.

I Grew Up On a Farm, And Have Boring Stories

The next time a European refers to America as a cultural wasteland, I'm going to bring up their ongoing Donald Duck obsession.

"John Landis, right? Loved your work on Twilight Zone."

Darn technology putting hard-working old-fashioned perverts out of work.

I wonder if there are any has-beens out there who will pay you to take a picture with them, and then blast it all over social media going 'OMG it's me and the bassist from Creed!'

I've always had a paranoid fear that I'll win a celebrity meet-and-greet by finding the gold Pepsi can or whatever, and I'd have to turn it down because I know darn well I'm too lame to even watch the Bears game at a suburban Tilted Kilt with Dan Hampton. He would see the fear in my eyes, and then tell the whole world…

But that's the good thing about being from Chicago: we get to look down on the rednecks AND say we're more real and down to earth than NY/LA.