Once at an outdoor concert, some guy was talking to my mother while I was several yards away. He did not know that I was her daughter, and he pointed at me and said "That is so horrible! Why would a young lady let herself be so pale, how ugly!" Yep, she cursed him out soundly.

DUDE!!! I always thought I was the only one who thought Vanity was gay.

When I worked in a day care center, we had a whole bunch of blonde dolls and one black doll. All of the children in the center (all Caucasian and one Indian) wanted to only play with the black doll. They named her Brown Baby and would fight over her. My belief was that they did not understand race, and instead…

The Shamwow guy has always given me the creeps.

Who on earth would be ashamed of that?

I'm afraid of Roombas.

Oh my god, are you me? How did I get in the computer?

My first apartment was paid for with my 2 full-time jobs, while my roommate paid her half with her parents' jobs as a doctor and a lawyer. She used to get super angry with me because I wouldn't eat the food she got out of the dumpster, and because I wouldn't stand outside restaurants with her begging for strangers'…

I do the squirreling and different accounts thing. Constantly.

It doesn't make you a horrible person. Don't like hugs, don't go. Love hugs, go. His business will do just fine.

Special Olympics, my friend.

Dude, she's a baby. Babies do that.

Yeah, if that one guy said "Sweetcheeks" once more I was about to reach through the internet and crush his grapes into wine.

One of my students works at Home Depot! They give him promotions every time he puts in the effort and learns the new skills.

More emphasis on the "uh"— kan-TUH-kee.

Stanger is an idiot. She hates curly hair, too. I have both, and she can kiss my optic white behind.

In one of the million restaurants of my working history, the manager posted a flier saying that employees could be allowed to wear "traditional Mexican attire" in lieu of uniforms on Cinco de Mayo. I told him it was a bad idea, and he wouldn't listen to me, until I listed the offensive outfits I would be wearing on…

I hardly ever pay, but that's because I'm almost never the one doing the asking.

I told an OKCupid idiot that I did NOT want to get drunk, I wanted only ONE glass of wine, he laughed and ordered a bottle. After me feeling the effects of the first bottle, he actually tried to SHUSH me. After it was empty, I said NO MORE WINE. He laughed again and ordered a second bottle. I waited until he…

Him, Turtleman, and Railroad-track face Northup. All of them.