I strung a guy on once (I usually try to work in the “I am a meat popsicle” phrase from Fifth Element) and finally just asked him if this really works on people or if he is just hoping its being sold by some old lady. His response was that I would be surprised at how often it worked. He then asked if I wanted in on…

If they have crappy cell service they must live right by me.

As soon as I suspect a girl on tinder is a bot I ask her if she wants to rap battle. I seldom get to have a rap battle. :(

Yeah because it’s not like some people can legitimately enjoy wine or alcohol or marijuana without being full blown addicts. In fact, every Catholic I know can’t make it through one church service without taking a sip of wine. Fucking savages.

Or something worse....

Still shuddering at walking below this track and getting soaked with some sadistic bastard’s urine-fortified bath water.

Great! Now when someone vomits and shits their pants on the roller coaster, I can bathe in it!

at first i was sure that it was a very glossy bill murray, until i realized its actually tom hanks with white paint on him.

Great, another specialist! I already need to find one for my turbo encabulator!

Did you ever notice poor people can’t get Porsches? They should be called Riches.

Seriously...Kim...dude... eat a Snickers.

Thanks! I’ll try this tomorrow at the prison’s workshop.

This is a much better article than the one we might otherwise have had, "Hitting watermelons with an ice sword is so soothing" <insert video>. Thank you.

It was called Fringe, and before the writers strike it was awesome.

So, dueling movie predictions: replicants, end of the world, whatever.