It's like I told Meredith MacRae back in '65 — "Dollface, you don't gotta do the cheesecake stuff. We all know you got an ass juicier than the prime rib at Tam O' Shanter. You can peddle that shit in ten years when your tits start marching towards your shoes!" Naturally, she doesn't listen to me, next thing you know…

That Hitler prick was no joke. I spotted Roman Polanski playing blackjack at the Sands — this was '69, before that sick fuck got nailed for reaming out a kid — and I thought it'd be funny to sneak up behind him and yell "MACHT SCHNELL, JUDEN!" Next thing I know chips are flying everywhere and Polanski's in a fetal…

What would Jesus do? He'd bring Richard Pryor back from the grave and put Tyler Perry to work at Taco Smell where he belongs! I haven't seen a less funny black man since Sidney Poitier!

That reminds me of a story. I see Prince coming out of the john at the Ritz. I just saw that Batman movie with the Beetlejuice guy, and I'm like, yo, Prince, what's with this Batdance crap? I'm listening to that shit I feel like I'm being whacked on the head with a steel dildo! Mr. Purple Rain Bigshot just walks past…

Who is this prick? Movies are supposed to entertain people, not make them feel like they took a hit of bad acid! Hey Von Frankenstein, they might eat this freaky shit up over there in Viking Land, but over here you better deliver the goods or you'll end up like Don Murray. Ever heard of him? Point made.

I'll be honest, I was so loaded at the premiere I didn't know what I was watching. Judy Carne's sitting next to me, I lean over and say "What the fuck is this, The Towering Inferno?" Judy just leans away from me. I gotta admit my breath coulda peeled paint but still, have some fucking consideration! Next thing you…

What's with this mopey Superman shit? Chris Reeve would wipe his ass with this Droopy Dog candyass! Movies today, everybody acts like they're at a goddamn funeral. Lighten up, people! Nobody wants to come out of a Superman movie wanting to slit their goddamn wrists!

Ebert was a class act, but the man loved tits like I love blow. '73 I'm at a party at Orson Bean's house, I see this pudgy kid hanging around the door to Orson's office, enough food in his hands to feed a starving African village for a year.

Don't sweat it, baby, I'm just busting your balls. Lyle Waggoner showing up at your pad at three in the morning with some broad hanging off his arm trying to score bennies, now that's being a dick!

Kid, the Soup don't need gimmicks. Never did. You work the crowd a little, get some leggy broads on stage shaking their keisters, some Donnie and Marie shit for the oldsters, bam you got a half hour special. It ain't rocket science.

Jesus Mary and Joseph, they'll put any asshole in a movie these days. This meathead couldn't act his way out of Imogene Coca's cavernous twat!

You know what they say, kid — dying is easy, comedy is hard!

You know who had an outrageous set of cans — Mamie Van Doren. Jesus Christ, you coulda painted those babies green and she'd look like she just came back from a watermelon farm. I met her on the set of Vega$ back in '78. She was pushing 50 but she still had it going on. I walked into her trailer to see if I could get a…

Say what you will about Henry Winkler, the kid is a mensch. Not many people know this, but back in '73 Liz Montgomery hit the skids after Bewitched folded. Bill Asher dumped her and took off with some whore and all the money, that fuck. That was when Winkler was taking off with that Fonzie thing. Well, they met up at…

Who you tryin' to get crazy with, ese? Listen, kid — they've been trying to take me down since WKRC and it's never happened. It's like the time Buddy Hackett and I were doing the Edie Adams show and that fucking melonhead kept stepping on my lines. I said, Buddy, you want to step on me like a fucking cockroach? Fine,…

Hey pal, that's what they said to Frank back in '48. I'm down but I'm not out. Rule #1 of show business: never say die!

It's gotta be Sea World in either one of those wacky cooches!

I wouldn't turn down a piece of that skanky panky action, you know what I'm sayin', turtleneck? Putting your dick in that much crazy would be like like getting a blowjob from a hair dryer!