Okay but wait, if I’ve already eaten one of three romaine heads in a bag, no problems, does that mean I have to chuck the other two?

I wish so hard they were still reviled so they wouldn’t be so overharvested. I get sick looking at them climbing all over each other in their holding tanks at the grocery store. I hate to think how many are thrown away. I eat one boiled lobster a year and enjoy the crap out of it.

I am wide open to eating bugs actually, just as long as they’re not salted to death. A friend and I ordered a plate of crickets and a couple of shots of mezcal after a long hike and we were so looking forward to it but the crickets were salted beyond recognition and way past enjoyment.

Suitable for any occasion, but especially this:
“You disgust me. You sit on a throne of lies. You stink. You smell like beef and cheese.” - Elf

Whoops.

See, my guess is they know their fries are only edible for about three minutes until they fall below that heat threshold. There’s barely enough time to notice they’re undersalted, let alone fix it.

Fold a paper placemat in half or quarters. One person draws half a figure on it without letting the other person see, then hands it over to person two to complete. The resulting figure is either good for a laugh or uncannily whole. We do that and then a spate of caption this, or its opposite, draw this caption. Unless…

Carpal tunnel syndrome from masturbation is an equal-opportunity injury, sadly.

150 minutes a week? I’m happier with 150 minutes a day, when I can get it. Like, on vacation. That reminds me, I need a vacation.

I once visited a friend who had a huge pot of turkey mole bubbling away. I had never tasted it before, plus I was still breastfeeding my son, which is how I explain to myself why I stood at her stove in a near-fugue state and ate until I could barely breathe.

Most places I’ve stayed at do not monitor how many muffins go out the door. I usually eat my motel breakfast (usually ‘continental’ aka starches and coffee) on site and then grab a piece of fruit for later. Reason? Coffee acid + fruit acid = too much acid at once. I have, in the past, also swiped items for my still-sle…

Oh let’s see. Cancer, of course; the question is where it’s going to manifest first. Which is funny, since I actually have hypothyroidism and hypertension (nice pair!), but those are well controlled at this point... still...

It is my conclusive finding hope that a 12-oz cup of black coffee offsets the potential liver damage and inevitable sugar crash of the occasional plain (or cinnamon) cake doughnut... but every day? nope.

How about those of us who cannot nap no matter what? Even when their son woke them at 2:20 a.m. to complain that he felt a splinter in his butt? (There wasn’t one.) And they could not get back to sleep? What should they drink before heading to the polls and hopefully not screwing up their ballot? (Edited to add:) Yes…

#1: orgasm relieves cramping
#2: blood ain’t filth

Which is kind of sweet, if you think about it, and anti-capitalist. They’d make more bucks if the kids’ teeth were rotting. Says the granddaughter of a dentist, natch.

Weirdest? Sadly, no.... most cringeworthy, definitely. A booklet of the life of Jesus Christ in comic-book format, handed out to unsuspecting trick-or-treaters inside a paper bag by our local Baptist Church. Appreciated the hot cocoa they were also handing out, since the freezing rain was coming down on us; did not…

For just one night, could Rhianna have gone for art over sex? Sugar skulls do not have lush lips. I know ‘cause that was my costume too. #teamtomboy

Mmmmboy! GI distress for days!

Right up there with Jordan Almonds. Vicious tooth-breaking candy with the payoff of... a raw almond.