So do waitresses at Denny’s.

No, HERE’S how much sex everyone is having.

My freshman year of college, I completed the “pizza two mile” with several of my cross-country teammates. One whole Papa John’s large cheese pizza, eight laps on a track. Eat a slice, run a lap, continue for eight of each. I finished the ordeal in 16 minutes and 17 seconds, and it remains both my greatest athletic and…

on the flip side, ross has turned essentially one marketable skill (being a friend to jon lester while being able to play competent enough defense to be his battery mate) and one quality (he’s nice!) into untold popularity. I’m legitimately impressed! I enjoyed him on the Cubs last year, but I never thought he’d get…

Depends on the weatherman.

Thank you for making me look look this up to confirm.

Well, if nothing else, your mention of “parlay” gave Al Michaels his first erection in weeks.

Are we all just gonna ignore that the kid was attacked by a fucking Minotaur?!?!

Frank Drebin stole the real envelope because it was wired to explode.

It was probably that guy in the headset that was running around grabbing the Oscars back and that snatched the card from Beatty.

Oakley’s Wikipedia page at the moment:

came here to say this. Years ago, when Mrs. RedneckLawyer was out of town, our lab mix got what I am pretty certain was some form of weaponized dog dysentery. After waking up to a living room covered, and I mean COVERED in partially dried sadness pudding, I spent three days cleaning up behind him as he helplessly…

Of courses it is the winner. What a weird debate to have.

To any new parents out there, “spit up” sucks, but we’re talking full on, regular people food chunk-blowin’. My boy got a daycare stomach virus the other week that spread to my wife and me. We were the Griffin family on ipecac. He barfed on my wife twice, and in his crib twice, and I thank god that was it. He…

I hear that a coworker spends $1500/mo on daycare. I realized I could fly to Europe once a month just to go have lunch and then come home. Choice was easy.

Carl Lewis should stop trying new things...

I assume the religious right will execute anyone working on Christmas. After all, no true Christian would be working. Only filthy heathens.