This is what America needs to do RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

As a poor person, I can’t get my mind off of the fact that you don’t even mention the tab.

a. How did you “round them up”?

She didn’t believe you, she just didn’t have any fucks to give that night.

Meh, if someone doesn’t want to be there, it’s better for all (at least in the long run) if he leaves.

Thx, but of what, his future lizard tail?

Counter-point: their carpets were never shat upon again.

Didn’t your parents ever explain why your bus was so short?

My kids just told me to relay this to y’all:

Once I was in the elementary school bathroom urinal and I look to my right two stalls and a developmentally challenged kid was peeing like that. I remember just raising my eyebrows to myself and going about my business like, “oh well, that’s his style.”

I listened to my parents, who are still Catholic.

Assuming he pays for a good haircut, wtf is that growing from behind his ear?

I think that mustache was his way of saying, “Beware, young man.”

Counter-point: food gives me the energy to keep enjoying life, thus, the less time the better.

Nothing gets washed without hands and friction, my friend; otherwise you’ve just upgraded yourself to diarrhea.

It was called the Toothbrush mustache, and they weren’t fucked, they just had 3 more centimeters of man-hair to cut off their girly faces to complete the emasculation. Fuck Gillette.

Or your wife’s mink coat, if your son’s Andrew Dice Clay.

The best tip I can offer is to get help if you’re on the Pottery Barn email list.

Leave it in the car.

I don’t get water-stream cleaning your bunghole; are not there just two choices: