AHHAHAHAHAHA I imagine this kid is going to be mortified and wish never to speak of it again, and when he finally does reveal it to a future partner will suddenly realize it's actually world's greatest humblebrag.

Since Emile Hirsch obviously skipped that week of kindergarten, we'd better break it down for him:

A lot of straight dudes have craaaaazy expectations (e.g., Kate Upton is a fattie).

Actually, I hate to say it, but that last story broke my bullshit meter.

Read? I read!

It's like, the size of an actual IRL bottle. I don't why, but that's making me laugh. Just looking at it is making me laugh. I think it's time for the work day to be over.

"Mom, you just don't understand GamerGate! He would never do me like that. Get out of my room!"

It's actually crazy, because I have insanely long and curly eyelashes. When I do wear mascara, my eyelashes look uhMAHHHHzing and I often get asked if I'm wearing extensions or fakes (this is not a backdoor brag, it is a billboard in time square brag get fucking at me) but when I don't wear mascara I might as well…

That stuff should be outlawed. I don't think I've ever tasted anything more foul in my life. I didn't even know it was a thing until my cousin's bachelorette a year and a half ago. I don't understand why its all over the Midwest. My aunt also got really drunk on it and kept yelling "Rum Chata!" And now I'm…

Frankly, whatever makeup artist thought this was 'bold and editorial' versus 'over-fake-tanned and poorly chosen' should go back to MAC makeup school. I was just not into the red lip in that colour paired with the badly-blended bronzer that matched her hair.

The best part is how one can clearly spot E.L. James' beginnings as a fanfic writer, specifically on fanfiction.net of the late-90's early-00's. There was a culture there of taking the opportunity provided by the author's note to have long, involved, "clever" conversations and arguments with one's own characters…

I stole my first cat from someone who was going to have him put down for being uncontrollable.

This is sort of irrelevant but... adopt adult cats. There are always homes for kittens, but adult cats have a harder time finding homes. And when you adopt an adult, you actually know what their personality is going to be because it has developed, so you can make sure to get a cat that actually fits in with your life.

Well, electrons ARE negative.... so there's that.

Even if the cats belonged to her former boyfriend... still nope. I would steal somebody's cats if they weren't properly taken care of (yea, whatever, I would) and I most definitely would not date anybody who didn't take care of their cats. Also - how stupid do you have to be to think "oh har har yes I will tape up…

I'm way more confused by the #phuckelectrons thing.

Yeah I'm still pretty sure she's terrible

So she didn't abandon them in a taped up box, but she did exchange two cats in less-than-optimal condition for some cuter kittens? Is that what I'm supposed to get from this?