"Rip out your eyeballs and disconnect your brain, because First Take is coming up next!"

Deadspin Staff: Hey Marchman, you gonna turn into Craggs now that you're editor and stop posting your own stuff?

Dr Dre. has already been to Burning Man. He wrote a letter to his girlfriend from there:

Ahead of Kansas, you say?

Oh yeah haha. Got me there. Sorry I confused Diaco with VanGorder. Believe me, both teams need quarterbacks.

"Nice game pretty boy!"

Is this one of those "ask Deadspin staff" posts? If so, when did Daulerio start wearing glasses?

She hopped on the sticks like he was going to take it easy.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, sh... hey, where'd you go!?!

If it was their goal to surprise no one, they should've gone with Seahawks OC Darrell Bevell.

Russell Wilson heard that he had the opportunity to dance onstage with Flo Rida, but he decided to pass.

By what scale is insisting on demara sugar any less frou-frou hipster than fennel bitters? If you have to go to a Whole Foods to stock your bar, the battle is already lost.

Also, if you look at any book of cocktail recipes, you'll find that like 2/3 of them call for Cointreu, or SOME sort of orange liquor. With the…

An artist's depiction of Lily's editor hanging out in this comments section

Here's a great article that breaks down the number of plays to fumbles ratio between all NFL teams for 2015. The Patriots were either setting a new standard or were aided by under inflated footballs.

"There is surveillance video showing the attendant taking the footballs from the official's locker room into another room at Gillette Stadium before bringing them out to the field, sources tell FOX Sports."

The league's security apparatus sure is quick and thorough on such important matters.

"I wouldn't pay that much for a dick pic"

I'm guessing it was a video of the NCAA totally fucking the Penn State situation.

I'm a UConn alum. I'm not kidding myself: there's no defending poor academic performance. It was shameful and embarrassing when the UConn men's team got banned from postseason play for bad grades.