Oh, and ANOTHER thing: “cute shoes.” If the shoes are “cute”, I can’t wear them. They will hurt me. You go wear all the cute shoes you want.

Staying up until 1 am to make sure a software deployment went okay. Go hire somebody young for that.

Even MORE insane: KRTK tv station says they charged her for possession of “.02 ounces of marijuana.” I mean... WHAT?

PARADOX.

WAFFLE. WINDOW.

Now I’m making waffles for dinner tonight.

“in this vein”? Really? Really?

Rotary cutters are hella sharp!

Yeah, my mind went “...evolutionary biology BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH...”. I would like to think that the vast majority of men, by virtue of their brains, are no longer subject to urges to spread their sperm out there. Therefore the men who use this “assume that since she is breathing she would like to have sex” technique…

I won’t make friends with this remark, but how do you know? How do you know that nobody even noticed she was there?

Plus size women apparently never travel anywhere and aren’t allowed to have jackets with cool pockets.

Cucumbers, really? I’d wake myself up burping.

I’m sure someone on the internet can help with that.

Well, but NO, because the only hard-working taxpayers are those in the tippy-top bracket. Everybody else is just a godless parasite. (signed, a godless parasite)

Since his last victory my consumption of brandy old-fashioneds has gone up significantly.

If they’d liked it they woulda put some cheese on it!

Alternative blanket options:

My puffs look great coming out of the oven, but then they deflate. :(

I have a friend who shoots local dance events. He found that if he put even watermarked samples of his images on FB to promote selling the images, the dancers just shared those around and never bought anything. Now he simply says “images available from the event” and if they want to buy photos, they have to contact…

But Howard isn’t an abuser, because Jesus, apparently. And also, he can’t harm a fly. Despite being willing to break down a door to hit somebody....