Attention all news outlets:

Finally, someone with the courage to stand up to Big Shitty Vegetable.

Thanks for sharing. I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear your opinion.

I just read these out loud to my boyfriend (while laughing!) and he didn’t realise any of them were jokes and is really genuinely impressed with Taylor Swift right now.

You get a star for this:

I inherited a chest of drawers when my parents-in-law moved from a big house to a tiny apartment. Stashed away in one of the drawers was a set of sexy time products that I can’t even call to mind because I took some mindbleach, y’all, after throwing that shit out and bleaching the drawers themselves. BTW, mindbleach -…

OH MY GOD THEY ARE AMAZING. I hope there’s some part of you that doesn’t hate this, bc it is A-level shit. I threw a surprise party for my husband bc he told me many times over the decade that I’ve known him that it is the worst thing I could do. He is a terrible person to the people he loves most, so I banded…

Lol your dad sounds so cute!! They really went 100% with the....mouse trap.

+1 for “they made me dance with the mouse.”

Your parents are fucking awesome.

Hello, fellow Fool here! It's a hellish birthday, glad your fam made it a lovingly evil one for you.

I kind of love your parents.

Your parents sound kind of amazing. Like cheesy but touching and comforting sitcom level amazing.

I adore your parents

Embarrassing but God they sound like they adore you.

So that’s the key to getting result with an assault case on a campus. Be male!

Unless it’s a divided highway, even an oncoming emergency vehicle requires you to slow/stop and pull to the side in most jurisdictions.

“Whitey” usually makes me laugh because it’s such a toothless attempt at a slur and as far as I know has always been more active in the imaginations of white people than the tongues of black people.

Correct. However, this is a US website, talking about a story that happened in a US restaurant. I am sure that there are different restaurant standards and practices on Qronos as well, but they don’t seem especially relevant to this story.