Draft dodger starts war with China, nuclear nation with one of the largest armies in the world.

Yeah, but tbh, when Tyrion said that he was slapping his smug, pink chop-chops and making him feel small and overriding his policymaking decisions.

Just tell him you’re not that much into Star Wars bruv. And then like, you’re not that much into the next thing he wants to do. If he sulks audibly about it just do your best Mariah Carey shade face and be all; “I don’t know Star Wars”. He’ll get the message eventually and will probz be too socially awkward to keep…

I can’t look at it. I sometimes do a hate read of Sarah Vine (did you read that kind of weird Proustian stream of consciousness wank she wrote about her husband fucking over David Cameron and her hiding in a shed? That was pathetic and excellent) but she genuinely believes the half-baked cack she spews out.

I hit Sarah Vine’s page every time I remember she’s a thing. I hate her so hard it gives me bursts of energy.

Ah, didn’t realise Morgan and Hopkins were writing for the Mail now. I thought Morgan had departed British journalism after he got booted from the Mirror on account of being an insufferable cunt and I thought Hopkins was writing semi-literate dog shit articles for the Sun. The Mail’s like an enormous egregious wanker…

Exactly what I thought. Good people are dead and their murderer gets a super-high soapbox to explain why they deserved it. Nauseating.

Woman, they can eat literally all of your shit. They’re attacking you on the internet in a pack because you stood up for women? That just proves that they’re weak and they’re cowards and you’re powerful and you’re brave. Don’t let them make you feel small. That’s their space to occupy.

He did another called John Wayne Bobbitt: Uncut. It features John Bobbit and an actress pretending to be Lorena. In this version of events, she cuts of his dick because she loves it so much she can’t bear for another woman to have it. He talked about all of this at length in a tedious interview that mainly centred on…

I live in England now but I grew up in Northern Ireland where abortion is illegal – absolutely, no exceptions – and it’s illegal in the Republic too. Trying to make a dent in the pro-life lobby in either part of Ireland is next to impossible. The pro-life politicians are full on ‘It is baby murder, bad woman do baby…

Yeah, I take your point. There even comes a point where you might wonder if it would have a pacifying effect.

Ah, now come on. Maggie Thatcher did more than ten years as Prime Minister on about four hours sleep a night, and she didn’t go whoospy la la, get really paranoid about hippies, start blowing up warships, fund genocidal regimes, worship Pinochet, make racial slurs in the House of Commons lobby and refer to Ronald…

I think you might be underestimating how much they love his ridiculous, semi-literate missives.

I started rewatching Game of Thrones the other night. The parts with Joffrey now look like biting political satire.

“Most of our youth are on DRUGS or pregnant with a mongrel child. If our forefathers could see America today they would have our Government Leaders put to DEATH. For Treason against the American people.”

On this depressing morning, it’s comforting to be reminded that Rihanna exists.

“Cousins shouldn’t bread.”

Myself and most of my family have made like the Irish and emigrated so I’ve not got much call to visit Derry anymore. We’re all colonising London right now. We’re considering petitioning them to make the change to Derrylondon in recognition of our contribution. Fair’s fair, right?

Liek aht do ya? You know, my da’s from Derry so I know it quite well and it’s the one of the most cheerful places in our wee country. People smile there, without fear or favour. Now BELFAST...sour faces from womb to grave. Baby snaps look like Elmer Fudd licking cat piss off a nettle etc.

“What is your job, Wendy?” “I sit on a chair on a stage and say pointless words about people I do not know and offer them unsolicited, patronising and inane advice.”