Everyday I thank God for my small boobs, as they allow me to stand next to whomever I please.

Switzerland begs to differ.

1) Pushing 55, but my iTunes says otherwise.

OH god the last bit of that dismissal. YAS. YAAAASSSSSSSSSS. I'm not even the biggest Taylor Swift fan but that's hilarious and exactly what a silly lawsuit deserves.

Guys, I don’t think Closer understands how “Who Wore It Better” pieces work.

Long long ago, I worked at the information booth at a mall. One of our responsiblities was checking out the rental strollers, and to do so, we made a copy of their license. This poor lady comes to get a stroller and her name is... Amanda C. Mycock. A MAN TO SEE MY COCK. She was married! I have to assume she took his…

There’s actually a lot of odd reflection that goes into losing a large amount of weight—Am I really doing this just for health? What if I gain it back? How will I feel if people start paying more attention to me romantically (just because of the weight loss)? Will I become an asshole to other fat people?

I once had a very distant relative (at least I think she was a relative, but I still have no idea who she was) try to kiss me on the lips at a wedding when I was 14. Family members that I actually know don’t even do much cheek-kissing, so I instinctively put my hand out to keep some distance between us. The…

“...the presence of pregnant girls will ‘serve as a negative influence to other innocent girls,’”

What I’ve never been able to understand is that at 8, I was mature enough to “choose” the Mormon church, but at 12, I wasn’t mature enough to leave it.

“Women have very little idea of how much men hate them.” -Germaine Greer

I was wondering when this story would hit Jez. The victim in this case doesn’t just need a GoFundMe, she needs recommendations on quality moving companies.

They seem to believe that he raped the child, but that labeling or prosecuting him as a “child rapist” is somehow a bridge too far.

People who have surrounded themselves with yes-men for so long they thing everything that pops into their heads is cool and funny.

Reminds me a little of Kevin Smith’s stories about Prince — Prince does not understand why he cannot have a giraffe at his house at 2am, and the job of his assistants is to explain it to him without making him angry.

Here is a picture of my very disapproving turtle because your comment made me sad

In defense of caps like the pink leather one - I know this guy who wears them a lot, though not in pink leather. He has a terrific sense of style, I trust his fashion sense over my own. He looks amazing in these caps and other hats and gets tons of compliments. OK I may be a little biased because I am his dad and he’s…

Two hours twenty-four minutes? So cool!!! That’s even faster than the under-three-hours marathon that Paul Ryan PRETENDED to run! And almost half of his actual marathon time!

So many ghost stories take place in a deserted cornfield in Iowa, next to a lonely stretch of highway where one person was murdered 60 years ago. There are streets in Baltimore and Detroit where someone gets shot every 2-3 days. Those streets must be fifty feet deep in ghosts!