You are my hero.

Hell yeah! I just quoted The Two Towers to my coworker yesterday. The topic? The lack of going-away party for a long-time but particularly douchey and sort of hated employee at the company.

"I particularly love when people worry about a change in "American values" like all of our values are so damn peachy in the first place." This. THIS! This is my rallying cry when idiots around me start getting getting sentimental for the "good old days" which really never were (for most people).

I didn't learn this until I started slinging hash at a Bob Evans in college. Valuable though; I love eggs over medium. Also, they wouldn't poach eggs there, so I broke a lot of people's hearts first thing in the morning!

oh my dear sweet fucking Jesus. I don't have any more words for this.

Band guys are no joke. My first high school crush was in my freshman year, my friend's older brother who played the baritone saxophone. He was super tall and so, so sexy (in a really nerdy way). He was a nice guy. I mustered the courage to ask him to dance at homecoming and he said yes!!1!!1!one! And the song was…

"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"

That's really too bad. I also took AP US History during my junior year (MA, 1999). I honestly had no idea at the time what my teacher's political leanings were (although in MA, it was safe to assume most people you met leaned left), and it was the best damned class I've ever taken in my life. I finally felt like I…

We had child-free friends who constantly pontificate, even though we never bring up our son when we see them. They once referred to him as our new "hobby."

I could almost hear the sound of minds exploding, male and female alike. But even from my anecdotal evidence, I know it to be true.

Exactly! I pretty much almost lost my lunch when they were talking about the poor kid's scrotal injury. REALLY, ADRIAN!?

"Who else feels like they've been suckered into one of the greatest long cons ever devised?"

This one drives me up the wall. Like this Michael Garafolo twit quoted above. Yeah, she hit him first, so she shouldn't expect him to take it! I mean, duh! She should expect a return punch - the full force of someone whose job description is to be strong enough to run through garage doors. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHAT…

My brother went to basic training at Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri. With drill instructors screaming in a Southern accent in his face 24/7, you better believe he came back up to Massachusetts with a Southern drawl that literally took months to dissipate. As for me, after 11 days in Paris, Mr. Social told me that as my…

OMFG, I had this exact thought. THIS IS NOT HARD, PEOPLE.

I see what you did there. Good form.

Although Jesus did once say of Judas that it would have been good if he had never been born. So I don't know, maybe there's that.

This is the best one I have, so here goes. I went to college in the Northeast, so one random Thursday, totally spur of the moment, my boyfriend at the time said, hey, let's drive to Montreal! We could only stay one night because we both had to work on Sunday. So we get a last minute hotel reservation, and we get in…

I wish I could drum up some surprise here, but all I've got is a "yep, sounds about right" with a copious side of eyeroll.

Yes, yes, A THOUSAND TIMES YES.