Like, when is the last time you have seen a BlackBerry?

Because I’m at work trying to do anything but my actual work?

I think if you are willing to approach this subject honestly, it should be obvious that a line must be drawn somewhere. If not, the logic eventually leads to acceptance of a single “open” division between the sexes, effectively extinguishing women’s athletics.

I mean, what kind of man would spend close to $3,000 to set up a first date and then fly across the country just to be a creepy weirdo?

What exactly are you angry about here?

You laugh, but that 11 year old just got a full ride at Duke.

In all seriousness, I do wonder if that’s the same gun Craig James used to kill five hookers at SMU.

I’ll never not be amused by how willing people are to embrace awful people as part of the #resistance just because they say mean things about Trump. The only good thing I can say about this guy’s presidency is that it opened my eyes to the fact my pool of true ideological allies is smaller than I realized (and that’s…

Really, James Comey has just as much an overriding desire to be loved and admired as Donald Trump does.

Remember that kid in school—every school has at least one—who everyone tolerated but never really liked, who was more concerned with adhering to and obeying the rules than understanding the reasons for them, and who self-righteously prided themselves on reporting everything to the nearest teacher they could every time?

“It’s always interesting to see that there’s one voice out there in the wilderness who’s speaking the truth,” a woman told me as the audience filed out.

I love him in almost everything, but I’ll always be eternally grateful for two lines he spoke that I plan to dispense as my go-to parental advice to my kids:

Fellow heterosexual men, let’s talk about our mancrush on Timothy Olyphant. It’s okay. No judgments here. Have a seat.

Also, the drug dealer in Go.

He’s Seth Bullock. He’s Raylan Givens.

There was a time when all you needed to sell me on a movie or show was, “Timothy Olyphant is a badass in it.” Nowadays, all you need to tell me is, “Timothy Olyphant is in it.”

Conan and Ferguson as alternating hosts. Olyphant, Paul Rudd, Kerry Washington and Tina Fey as permanent guests.  

I’m confused, how do you drown sexually?

I thought that was headed to a mother-daughter threesome.