So... I’m heading out momentarily to my 10-year high school reunion. I swore I wouldn’t go, but I think curiosity and FOMO got the best of me. I’m feeling a little nervous/self-conscious about the fact that, unlike a huge chunk of my classmates, I don’t have a husband or a baby, or even a boyfriend. Intellectually,…

Maybe Piers Morgan should stop showing his ass all the time.

Bernie only demands blue M&Ms so he can make sure his stage pyrotechnics have been properly set up!

Dammit, I came here hoping for a Mariah Carey-esque tour rider. Bernie doesn’t like busy patterns. He also wants 20 white kittens and 100 white doves to be released when he goes on stage for the debate.

...after biting the boob of a security guard...

What did they do to Viola Davis? Her hair and/or makeup just seems off.

I think tonight’s theme is hating your job. So yeah, it’s great to have a job, but it sucks when it makes you miserable.

there is a website that rates dick pics for artistic merit (no size-shaming, just composition etc.). it’s run by a woman with a background in photography and she does a pretty good job of giving actual critique.

Clearly, the original intent of the founders was the right for sharks to bear arms. Or for sharks to have bear arms? I don’t know; I’m not a Constitutional scholar.

Seriously, Berniebros, I don’t need politics mansplained to me. And I already have to fend off verbal tirades from my conservative family members, so knock it off.

I have done Bernie Sanders the favor of hiding any Bernie Bros in my facebook or twitter so that I can make reasonable decisions about the election without feeling like I want to punch Bernie supporters* straight in the taint.

I thought I was a cat but it turned out I was just really into musical theater.

Oooh Groundhog Day! Yeah I’m hoping for an early spring, too!

Yeah but my body doesn’t try to trick me to make and then give birth to kittens.

I bet they have a pickpocket monkey living in their crawspace. That seems the most logical explanation to me.

Yeah this is pretty disappointing... after escaping the quagmire that was Twilight, she seemed like she was growing into a pretty rad person.

It’s probably just a harmless sloth.
See the resemblance: