ummm. well my boyfriend and i made buffalo chicken grilled cheese and then i ate oreos. those are my two most recent accomplishments.

Yeah, well I just finished my 16th Netflix marathon. THIS MONTH.

Don’t gloss over meeting Ira Glass!! Did you just die? Was he nice in person? Did he soothingly make you rethink your entire life and purpose as a human while forcing you to laugh and sob simultaneously?

Ugh. Today I got tired and out of breath walking to brunch. I walked quickly in order to get to my mimosa as soon as I possibly could. Then I took a nap because day drinking is exhausting.

My mother likes plants and has some in almost every room of the house. But at some point my parents decided they better resort to chocolates or they would end up living in an indoor jungle. They married in 1977, so they would have quite a collection now if they had continued with the potted plants and every plant…

Listen, I love getting flowers (and buying myself roses too). But...

My mother is allergic to many flowers, so my father often gave her potted green plants. Most of them lasted for many years. Some of them are older than me now.

I’ll all of y’all’s flowers kthx. :]

(Not cornrows)

BILL IS HOME!

This isn’t very nice but whatever.

I pretended to be straight for 20 years. Does that count?

When I’m at my lowest lows, I have to be awe-struck by little things otherwise I’d never pull myself out. The smell of grass, a Simon & Garfunkel song on the radio, how people express themselves through their shoes. I just need those little things to grasp onto, because there are no big things to be awe-struck at. I…

I tend to cry at overwhelmingly beautiful or happy things. The first time I saw mountains in Alberta, really well made movie-trailers, acts of kindness. I cried at a rainbow once. My friends tend to make fun of me and joke that it means I’m simple minded because I’m so awe-struck by the simplest things. But I just…

I was a pageant judge last year. It’s 100% about body positivity, and super fun and celebratory. No haters allowed, for real. Everyone had a great time and the contestants were truly awesome. It’s way more about costumes and creativity (and penis decorations) than anything else.

I feel super strongly about the issues…

That would be impossible to do. Every guy would try to enter himself. There’s no way they’d have enough people to check.

Isn’t it possible that this is less to make fun of small penises and more of a small penis pride thing? That’s the vibe I got from it, probably because of that story a while ago about some guy doing something prideful about small penises (I literally do not remember more details than that, but I can probably find it…

brb never sleeping ever again

Everyone knows you soak your tampons in vodka, not beer.