Great writing. I’d suggest one edit - *any day now. It dies and I am free. Any day.*

WAR ON CHRISTMAS!

you would make a great press secretary

Red is patriotic.

Glorious Celebration of Patriotic Solstice Festival! With singing (in praise of Dear Leader)! And gift giving! (As long as those gifts are useful, like agricultural tools, and not decadent products of Capitalist running dogs, like chocolate or digital watches)

Just gotta get through this, Melania, she thinks as she walks through the whispering wood. Just gotta get through this.

10/10 Would watch.

This is total redemption for Chloe, Paige and Brooke.

Now I just desperately want a Melissa McCarthy as Abbie Lee movie. It would be amazing.

Well, they made an appointment so that’s a good first step!

I sent an email almost EXACTLY like Steve Harvey’s to all my co-workers this week (minus references to makeup & dressing room), & now HR wants to talk to me tomorrow. I hope they’ve figured out how they’re going to help me implement these necessary changes!

Blake Shelton has made Gwen Stefani unappealing. He’s the TSwift to her Hiddleston.

YOU CAN’T HAVE-AH THE MANGO!

You do not remember the Mango? This makes Mango the sad. You do not get to be a special rainbow if you make Mango the sad.

Nope. I had a dude that couldn’t keep it up for vaginal sex but was magic with his fingers and I am not afraid to say he was the best sex I ever had, even compared to guys that could get the job done with vaginal intercourse. This is pretty common among my friends, too. The issue often leads to men classifying sex as…

Being forced to watch the White House orientation video must have been tough for him, since it doesn’t mention him. The part about sexual harassment in the workplace must have been uncomfortable.

It’s like what driving through that lovely stretch of Hollywood must’ve been like in 1935.

While I applaud your dedication to this endeavor, pardon my skepticism at the thought of Bobby Finger hosting or even attending a Super Bowl fête, even one with pink brioches. (Le sport en rose?)

It’s ok, let’s get drunk

Hillary needs to hire a gymnist and makeup and costuming people to make a fake video of her apparently doing handsprings down a set of stairs, ending with a splits at the bottom. If John Belushi could do it, so can Hillary.