They can do it now dumbass. If this were a real thing it would already be happening all the time.

Oh, you’re one of those people. I will, without fail, kick you out of my seat.

You are the reason it takes twice as long to board an aircraft than it should. Thanks for making life a little more miserable for the rest of us.

Mejia: But I was set up, man!

That shot was so good the country of Spain awarded him two more letter L’s in his name. Wonder where they’ll go.

What distance could a football be punted by you?

“My password is unbreakable. It’s the name of my favorite player and his career slugging percentage.”

I mean. It is true. All NFL coaches are physically superior monsters who intimidate their players into doing what they are told to do. Bill Belichick is what, 8 feet tall, 450lbs? When he tore that one offensive lineman’s spine right out of the guy’s back I thought, gosh there is an offensive genius, no wonder his…

Like I'm going to listen to the opinion of someone who goes to the airport to watch a movie.

If Seth is telling the truth that he was thrown at least 20 feet then we can rule out Peyton Manning as a suspect.

Andy Reid also banned hoverboards last week, saying he felt they caused his team to move too quickly for his taste.

Piazza used androstenedione when it was available over the counter and MLB wasn’t testing for it and never said players couldn’t use it. Not sure how that’s cheating.

Take that, guy who was only one of the 3 or 4 best catchers ever!

HOT TAEK ALERT

Look, I know they’re the LOLJets, and asking them to beat the Ryan-lead Bills next week may be a lot, but they’re on a 5 game winning streak, have a top level WR 1/2 punch, a monster defense (6th in the NFL), and are fairly deep at the rest of the skill positions. Lumping them in with the Ravens, who are 5-10 and…

This is unacceptable by Carolina. Trash-talk is fine, but once the baseball bats are introduced it becomes a blatant act of WAR.

“How is this news?” says guy who clicks on news article.

‘NOBODY CARES!’ - Guy who responds to every single last Michael Sam article on the internet.

Baker was so unaware of the alleged Chapman incident that he wrapped up his press conference by announcing that if no one had any more questions, he would be leaving in order to make it on time to tonight’s John Lennon concert.

You know, maybe you’d be less exhausted about constantly having to defend your idiotic political values if you, y’know, had slightly less idiotic political values?

Somewhere, a ‘STICK TO SPORTS!!1!!1!’ Deadspin commenter sits in front of a computer screen, sweating, unable to move, broken.