Comparing it to torture? But they don't have any problems with torture.

I prefer that you call them "freedom wands".

I think "it depends" is pretty much the right answer to everrrrrrrrything wedding-related. But that would make for a crummy column and this is really fun for me so let's keep this as our little secret.

Quick story that, I guess, shows why I love having kids at weddings and why it's probably a bad idea. A fraternity brother's wedding where it was very heavy on your readings and vows and in the middle of it all this kid, who at most was five years old, says very loudly "THIS IS SO FREAKING BORING" and then gets…

ALTERNATIVE: CHILD ONLY WEDDING

Are you seriously the Cat Stealing Dog Bed Truther right now? Were all the conspiracy theories about chemtrails and the Lizard People taken up before you got here?

1. "Well, actually..."

Your*

But it all relates to rebel hearts! Everyone and everything that is good in the world is now branded as a rebel heart! Everything that has ever happened in the world ever is now considered a rebel heart because I keep referring to them as a rebel heart! Btw my new album is called rebel heart! If you don't like my…

If you are trying to pretend that you're still the young buck when you're my age, it just doesn't work.

I spent NYE with my nephew and his wife. They invited me over to spend time with them. Anyway we started playing cards and joking around. My nephew said something that upset his misses and she started crying. She headed to the bedroom and he followed her in. Instead of just apologizing and moving on, he proceeds…

Guys my niece turned one today!

Yesssssssssssss x a million. Seriously though, fuck Ross, he was the goddamned worst. I will say however, David Schwimmer's physical comedy is AMAZING. I love David, I just hate Ross. A lot.

Speaking of Gilmore Girls and Friends, remember when Phoebe dated Christopher?

Funny, I usually go to Netflix because I can't find Friends.

Well that Beyoncé vine was kinda mean lol but her impression is ON! I want more!

Friends hasn't ended. We are on a break.