Can we root for them to be so bad that the 1972 Dolphins retroactively have their perfect season stripped so we never have to hear about it again?

Great, now I have to jerk off.

These guys fight with the skill and grace of three sleepy manatee trying to fuck a beach ball.

If you are that concerned with safety, don’t have fireworks or football at all.

I feel like there is a direct correlation between the girth of one’s head and neck and their propensity to date rape.

Poe’s Law. And, also, it doesn’t matter if it is satire because someone, somewhere, believes it in earnest.

I can’t tell if this is sincere or spot-on satire. I hate the internet of today.

In yet more evidence that Barack HUSSEIN Obama considers himself president only to the coastal elites, Hollywood hotshots, and the Ivy League ivory tower select who put him into office, he is again touting his poll numbers among DEMOCRATS, ignoring his dismal standing overall. What, Mr. Obama, those farmers “clinging…

Please, please, please NFL: Flex the Pats-Dolphins game to the Sunday night slot. The whole country really needs to laugh right now.

I sincerely think that he confused BAHAMAS and ALABAMA in the first place, and that bit of dipshittery is what caused all of this.

This is good news. Baseball in KC is fun. I’m not a big fan of parking-lot stadiums, but Kaufman is a very nice ballpark. And everyone should put a trip to the Negro League Museum in KC on their baseball bucket list alongside a trip to Cooperstown.

When even Gronk is smart enough to retire, it’s hard to hold a grudge against Andrew Luck

Something tells me Jim Irsay’s stash is never that hidden.

They’re probably hoping he un-retires next year after his small little bone recovery and he’s feeling good. Better chance of that if he’s not pissed that they took all the money back.

If there was a young man in literally any other profession who made $100 million before he was 30 and decided to retire, he would be lauded. The Wall Street Journal would write thousands of words of wankery praising his acumen and smarts and god bless America.

Unfortunately, research is showing us that Football is detrimental to your health even before you make a single dime. Like, High School early:

That's what they get for tanking for him

As a follow up because I really miss playing softball in my twenties, by far the worst thing was coming up with the bases loaded, hammering a line drive into a gap, and getting a single or a double because the guy in front of you runs a 21.24 40-yard dash.

“They forget you've gotta win," said the Cleveland Browns quarterback.

*somewhere, Robert Griffin III sticks another pin in the life-sized Mike Shanahan voodoo doll he keeps in his pocket...*