My best friend and I dressed up as Burt and Ernie for halloween about 8 years ago. Went out and got pretty hammered at the bars, and then I see down the street, Cookie Monster, just standing there. Well I thought it was a good idea to jump on his back, we both fell to the ground, and that’s when I feel a shot to the…

To be fair, this whole incident escalated due to a few missed periods.

Emmitt Smith: So that’s why they call it an “oldbitchuary.”

I have no idea what these evil white men who own all of the NFL do for a living

What the fuck is this nonsense? I’ve watched enough Japanese porn to know that THIS MUTHAFUCKKA GOT A DICK ON HIS BACK!

Atheist so I can only donate thoughts. Hopefully you can pair them up with a non-thinking Christian’s contribution.

“Horton, Here’s a Poo!”

I often see white parents with obviously adopted black children, I’d call the police but they’d probably arrest the kids.

It’s perfect for smuggling dino embryos off Isla Nubar.

Defense lawyer here. At a grand jury proceeding there is no rules of evidence and no defense attorney. It’s a closed door proceeding. Ever heard the phrase, “you can indict a ham sandwhich?” It basically means that a prosecutor can get an indictment behind closed doors on anyone for anything. So it has no…

You’d think a Packer would know what’s in his luggage.

I was saying a-BOO-ndanza

The Karolyi’s testimony was less than forthcoming? Well:

I kept trying to take care of it by myself but it kept getting worse.

The most unsettling part is how quickly he turns to assisting her. Picking up her purse, attempting to put her glasses back on. It’s that sort of, “I’m so nice, why do you make me do this?” behavior. The power dynamic of abusers is absolutely chilling.

Are we sure she actually petted the dog and wasn’t just examining its suitability as a future coat?

Rae, you took away her daughter and left her to raise your son, who you also intended to kill. A son with severe disabilities, who no doubt was a huge burden to raise by herself.

Our job is to take the load off you first responders so you never have to respond to a scene like that and to save smarmy politicians the trouble of their hollow and diversionary thoughts, prayers, and thank yous. We certainly appreciate all that you do and I’m sure you hear that after almost every call. We’d love it…

She really dropped the ball by not yelling out “Later Gator!” as she walked off.

Not sure where you’re unclear. How far did you get in math? Maybe this’ll help.