I think you’re underestimating the time and money I’ve spent on Us Weekly.

When I found out that those are not made by their personal chef but purchased at a take-out place accessible to the plebs, I felt like years of studying celebrity culture by way of Us Weekly were squandered. I clearly know nothing.

In the middle picture, I keep thinking it’s Stassi Schroeder from Vanderpump Rules, and that is really fucking with me (it’s not).

One can bet they trade “this one time my mom was so high” stories until Frances gets really sad about how much more fantastic Billie’s mom is than hers.

$100 says she did one of her famed Instagram ass-shots with Carrie’s coffin in the background.

99% of the shit celebrities say that deeply offends me would be completely innocuous if they just spoke about themselves and not the world. “I didn’t feel fully alive until I had children,” for instance, would be 100% ok with me. Honestly, did these people never have to go to family therapy and learn to speak in the…

1. I kind of love how Kristen Stewart is basically the lesbian Warren Beatty. I mean, maybe she’s not at that level yet, but Christ, I just love her smug just-got-sexed face.

I wish that I had more stars to give this. Mallory Ortberg recently mentioned in one of her advice columns that white people have come to think that being called a racist is somehow worse than experiencing racism. (She also gave a misguided reader an important clarification on being a racist and supporting policies…

Whether he did or not, this is the kind of thing Billy Eichner does. One of my all-time faves was running up to people with Zachary Quinto in tow, asking, “It’s Spock—do you care???” ZQ didn’t need to suggest people cared—it’s just amusing to see famous people be good sports about the public’s disinterest in them.

Ditto. I was living for that segment until everyone came down firmly on Team Wendy.

I finally broke down and Googled Johnny Manziel. So he’s basically the Lindsay Lohan of sports, eh?

Actually, Prince had hip replacement in 2010.

I think “thirsty” is an overused term and I try hard to avoid it, but this chick has me scrounging under couch cushions for an alternative.

Mine have always been thin. My college roommate used to hide my tweezers in what she believed was an effort to save me from myself. Unfortunately, I’m just genetically predisposed to look like Drew Barrymore circa “Mad Love.”

I’m clearly both overtired and rageful, because I read this headline (no joke) as “Trump’s sons are behind a charity offering big donors access to hit him at inauguration” and I was like, AT LAST SOME GOOD NEWS.

I am alllll about bringing a gender lens to things, especially because I feel like a lot of the talk this year has been about nativism, etc. and its racial motivations, and that conversation has often happened at the expense of the gender implications. That said, this list (while fantastic!) could benefit from a note…

Oh, Jesus God. Are you serious??? I fucking hate that shit.

Meh, I think she harped on some things a bit. I thought it was mostly funny. I also got annoyed with what I perceived as downplaying/denying her very unprocessed feelings about her parents’ significant failings and limitations, but I’m a social worker. I do that.

I said below that I’m mostly pro-Schumer, but those ads are heinous. Also, she’s doing that thing so many celebrities do where they try to foist their family members on us because they think the family member is just the bee’s knees. Great, Amy. We know you think your sister is just high-larious. But I don’t…

There is no room for this sort of rationality and live-and-let-live attitude on the internet.