Maybe that's why her vag juice is like orange juice?

THIS! Why are people so allergic to fucking accountability?

I...don’t know if I disagree with this lawyer’s logic (hear me out): I’ve been disqualified from serving on a jury because a member of my family was murdered. It’s assumed that I would be biased against a defendant, which I don’t think is untrue (I’m also biased against the police and biased in favor of any defendant…

You call that going nuclear? I’ve written more aggressive work emails.

Word. Backyard Sessions are the jam (pun sort of intended).

Frankly, all I give a shit about is that Secretariat’s name was spelled fucking correctly.

So your thesis is Dan denied your request for a neck tattoo because of your gender. And your basis for that assumption is that he’s done a bunch of (in your opinion) tacky tattoos on other people. None of which are on necks. You did no research on the general feeling about neck tattoos in the tattooing community,…

Dear Parents,

That Bossip article is hugely transphobic. I’m sure it was just a quick link and you didn’t intend anything by it, but it’d be cool not to give shit like that any clicks.

Sometime I’d love for the universe to explain to me why my son died as an infant and a piece of human garbage like Joe Francis gets to raise not one but two children.

Er, I think it’s a joke about how he’s a blowfish? Also, I’m a white woman with a cat named Pablo. All of Mr. Slowtraincoming’s and my pets are named after our literary heroes—we read a Pablo Neruda poem at our wedding, and I have a portion of a Neruda poem tattooed on my arm. We also have a dog named Truman (for…

See, I think this is one of the kindest things someone could say to me. Sexy, no. But it’ll come in handy if we ever misplace those Anthropologie latte bowls.

It’s like I always say, “If you don’t want the guy to bring his child fuck buddy to the show, don’t book a guy who has a child fuck buddy.”

I second the other wife. Always rat him out.

When I was growing up, Mike Tyson was persona non grata, big time. Now, I also grew up in a fundamentalist Christian community, so there were many personae non grata who I have since realized are plain badass mother fuckers (Anita Hill, Ellen Degeneres [“Ellen Degenerate,” in our parlance], Jane Fonda, Democrats in…

Some of the stuff seemed a bit unclear to me, actually. He successfully completed probation, but was never convicted (unlike the others involved, who pleaded no contest) of hazing. The lawsuit was thrown out. The assault charge was dismissed. That doesn’t sound to me like a very clear-cut situation at all. http://www.h…

Longtime Jez readers should know that I laugh to myself every time I read Tina’s new husband’s name, picturing her married to this genius.

Seriously? Are we considering that misogyny now? I would bet that every person I’ve ever had a crush on, celeb or real human, has done at least one thing that sucks. The person I’m married to has done a shitty thing or two. That Jon Hamm was in a frat and did normal frat shit (that did not consist of rape) does not…

Just poking fun during an exhausting and tedious press tour.

We deserve neither credit nor blame for our ancestors...