I don’t even know what a malignant neoplasm is, but I am now deathly afraid of them and will vote for whichever candidate vows to destroy them.

Literally whacking moles does actually make me feel better.

People get so fired up about this stuff they end up getting hit by cars walking across the street because they aren’t paying attention while posting angry memes to Facebook about terrorists who love Skittles.

Because if there’s one thing we know about Al Davis, he would never move the Raiders out of LA...or Oakland.

Was Obama born in America?

That’s good. I would imagine not many Stanford students are interested in playing the lottery.

Talk about adding insult to injury. Taking the ACC championships and using the sinful “pull out method” at the same time!

Hmmmm...Roy Williams? Not ringing a bell.

This is taken out of context. Here’s the full quote:

Hey, I am at work right now, and really need to know how to drunkly hang with the sober. The sooner the better. THANKS!

Jokes aside...[stops reading...]

He almost sounds like a guy doing a phone interview for a new job sitting in his cube at his current job.

This seems like a perfect segue into a story about the lack of minorities working in NFL front offices.

That was a real Gaël-force kick there.

Pray for the youth of Amer...OMG, he was South Korean? Are we sure? That defies my stereotypes!

Hi Merril!

2001, 7th of 12 basketball team. PAU!

Ahhh, the coveted “Deformed Sterling Silver Heart” award.

The only true winner in this fight is Joey Bosa, who delays the onset of CTE every day he refuses to sign his contract.

Yeah, but your dad probably wears the same shoes as her dad, so that’s cool.