I'm just happy I won't have to hear Elsa's sibilant German accent again—a fricative nightmare. I love Jessica Lange, but I kept imagining Frau Blucher as Elsa [offstage whinny].

Patti LaBelle will come back as Lady Marmalade and hold a jam session with Dandy—a real jam session. She'll slather his glistening naked body with orange marmalade and stake him out on an ant hill. Dandy, however, will escape with the Fat Lady's help. She'll lick Dandy spanking clean (the freaks later take turns…

Throw in a soft-shoe routine, a few flying monkeys, and Jessica Lange in sausage curls singing "I've Written a Letter to Daddy"—you've got yourself a finale.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I still watch AHS—the writing is execrable. It's not even so bad that it's good. This show takes itself seriously! It's art, dammit. But I've been patiently watching every week because of Finn Wittrock's delicious performance. I suspect Dandy will cause the twins to experience some…