If you’re too stupid to be able to get votes in a Texas Republican Primary, specially in the district of Noted Simpleton Ted Cruz, then you should be considered unhirable. Even Wal Mart should look at this chucklehead and say “I don’t think he has what it takes to be 2nd assistant night stockboy-slash-toilet cleaner.”

I’m going with Crack Pipe because no Jalopnik worth his/her salt should ever support getting rid of a car because his/her spouse thinks it’s ugly. He should keep the car and excise the wife.

“Into the no-attachments, cutthroat world of Tinder hookups, hoping for a brief encounter with someone who cares about or at least remotely shares your own buried emotions. It’s all one long slump until the end.”

Here’s my idea and I’ve patented it so you lazy, felonious bastards can’t steal it:

Combining Drift and Rodeo makes perfect sense:

Shoulda SMITED that fucker!

So now that they’re retired I can buy every one of them, right? I’m going to paint them all black with low-vis registrations and flags then fly them around the state of Texas every night just to keep the the conspiracy whackos (like the Governor, for instance) in a panic.

SUV’s? Crossovers?

Swamp coolers are only effective in low humidity zones. Texas doesn’t have many of those.

“The Running of the Fools?”

This isn’t a Production Issue, a Design Failure or even a Safety Problem. This is a simple way to begin eradicating suburban cowboy-types who drive Ext-Cab trucks as family haulers from the species.

What the hell? We all know the appropriate Jalopnik-approved volumetric measurement device for trunks is dead hookers.

Hot glue, duh.

With extra batteries for those determined drunk friends...

I’ve always figured the “appreciation it deserves” is to be thrashed by a doofus frat boy whose Daddy wouldn’t buy him a real Porsche, not maintained in any way, covered in spilled booze and bodily fluids , left in the sun to bake the paint and rot the seats, dinged up, smashed in, generally rode hard and put up wet…

All you Porsche-a-philes just calm your jets. They didn’t mean to drop the 15ton weight on the car, they were aiming for the model.

No doubt, the car is horrific on every level but please tell me Torch is having business cards printed with the title “Shitbox Afficianado”. That needs to be put on the Jalopnik masthead.

Oddly enough, a lot of pits get taken cause the type of scumbag that would steal a dog to use as bait for training their fighting dog tends to prefer big and mean looking dogs.

I think I get it now: your inability to understand how stating an invalid premise over and over doesn’t make it right is a performance art piece, highlighting how Fincher used the most simplistic of devices but pretends its complex and intriguing. Now do a piece that references how his scene staging is reminiscent of…

and still you persist. Your delusions about the adequacy of your own tastes and mental functions are obviously worsening. Seek professional help and Netflix counseling.