You didn’t have to O_o me like you did but you did but you did, and I thank you

Yeah, the being afraid of being alone thing seems to be a HUGE factor. I would be sad if my marriage ended for some reason, but I don’t think I’d be in a huge rush to replace it. I really enjoyed being single. Love my husband to bits but we’d be lying liars who lie if either one of us said there weren’t times we miss…

Prenup

I’m not into visual porn; smutty writing does it for me. But enough people raved about him that I gave it a try, once. He spat in the woman’s face and simulated raping her - no thanks. Not into guys who even pretend to enjoy that shit, and if that makes me not sex-positive, I can live with that.

So, you’re saying a woman who was the best thing that ever happened to you, couldn’t have children...so you left. Adoption is an option these days, you know. I hope she was understanding and sympathetic to your needs. And that in no way she was made to feel bad about her inability to have children, which i am sure she…

I remarked to my girlfriend after she heard about this story that “if I ever get that kind of brain damage from anything, please, pull the plug. I don’t want to survive that.”

To which she said “if I found out you got brain damage after a night in a whorehouse, I’d gladly pull the plug.”

I’m really fucking sick of Miley Cyrus.

I thought breakfast was the most important meal of the day.

Who would ever give a tow company a good review?

Holy crap. I clicked on the video and knew exactly where she is at (sign me up to be an investigative reporter, ESPN. I have a college degree, am in good shape, have all my teeth, and live in an apartment). Before everyone absolutely rags on Britt here, let me play devil’s advocate for just one second.

Who gave his wife a dildo so she could fuck it...

"Ow," said my vagina.

I'll say what everyone, including my big-swinging-dick-self, is thinking:

growing up my cat's favourite toy was those little circles of plastic you have to take off of new bottles of milk. he could swat those things around for hours.

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT.

Dear potential mate,

One thing the video proves is no one wants to be the first person to help, but then everyone comes out of the woodwork once the first person does..

Dos Chicaago accents! I love how SNL, despite being such an NYC show, still has such strong Chicago roots.

Pad See Ew forever! I genuinely don't understand why everyone's go to is Pad Thai.

This is brilliant, no sinkhole will be able to swallow those 'Vettes!