I'm using the red label ones, with a $6 pink Sephora pore scrubbing thingie.

Fat jokes: the last vestige of people who truly have nothing intelligent to say.

For the love of all that is good and holy, please let this not be a return to the so-called benefits, superiority and advantages of 'quality time' parenting.

Oh lovely, a new way to never shut the fuck up about Crossfit.

Bravo, Ikea and the UN (first time saying that for the latter...)

Breakthrough technology to help the displaced is nothing if we don't find a way to implement it. Are these structures reusable/recyclable?

The only things I ever did on Spring Break was work and school projects. How do kids pay for this shit, besides Bank of Mom and Dad?

Putin is this big of an asshole, when they say butt lift, they actually mean his face.

I feel like punishment options are nearly endless if you take into account physical labor. My parents had me doing my fair share of chores in the first place, and when I broke the rules I would have to pick up a chore they knew I hated or — even better — get resigned to some sort of Sisyphean errand. Examples: "Weed…

There is no performance if there is no audience

Yes. Basically the way I've tried to look at it is this: My daughter is the world's worst troll. If I get angry, then she wins!

People just cannot wait to be offended about something, can they?

I wanted some cute, small dangling earrings for a special occasion... so I drank a few glasses of wine and ordered some shit online. That was a mistake.

timing is everything...

Because it makes Burger King food taste not disgusting? What's your excuse for eating at BK stone cold sober?

She was originally going to go with Summer Eve, but decided that would be too douchey...

So glad it didn't go to iggy. I'm fine with eminem winning since he has talent.

I'm the third act of every movie you've ever seen

Really? Who are other black country artists? Being a cowboy doesn't give you anymore license to sing country music anymore than living in the ATL gives Iggy license to rap.

I prefer "The Frat bros of the sea"