The only things I ever did on Spring Break was work and school projects. How do kids pay for this shit, besides Bank of Mom and Dad?

Putin is this big of an asshole, when they say butt lift, they actually mean his face.

I feel like punishment options are nearly endless if you take into account physical labor. My parents had me doing my fair share of chores in the first place, and when I broke the rules I would have to pick up a chore they knew I hated or — even better — get resigned to some sort of Sisyphean errand. Examples: "Weed…

There is no performance if there is no audience

Yes. Basically the way I've tried to look at it is this: My daughter is the world's worst troll. If I get angry, then she wins!

People just cannot wait to be offended about something, can they?

She was originally going to go with Summer Eve, but decided that would be too douchey...

So glad it didn't go to iggy. I'm fine with eminem winning since he has talent.

I'm the third act of every movie you've ever seen

Really? Who are other black country artists? Being a cowboy doesn't give you anymore license to sing country music anymore than living in the ATL gives Iggy license to rap.

I would never wear these in my Real Life, but god the under eyebrows ones would make me feel like a sci fi anime princess and I wish I could wear them clubbing with my most ridiculous shades of Urban Decay Eyeshadow.

Be a sexual slave or your marriage will die.

I just really don't think it's fair to blame these moms for the fact they got overexcited about their new babies and then someone took the photos and used them for creepy roleplay.

I saw a good response to that today, which I am going to use. Here it is:

"I honestly don't know what to say when people are all "My parents used to beat me up and I'm fine! Lol.""

I honestly don't know what to say when people are all "My parents used to beat me up and I'm fine! Lol."

Humanity continues to disappoint me. Whoever thinks that it's cool to support a dude who literally beat a 4 year old so hard he went to the hospital is an absolute piece of shit person.

I'm pretty sure Mark just got a copy of the script for Death Proof 2 and mistook it for an actual news story. Meanwhile I'm going to go shut down my OKCupid profile for completely unrelated reasons.

"I just love when women are able to see who the real enemy is: MEN MEN MEN MEN ALWAYS MEN."