I would offer you my dignity, but it's long since gone.

Are they suggesting that the chili is hot enough to melt steel beams?

First the British came for our superhero roles, and I said nothing because I am not a superhero. Then they criticized our blowhards, but I said nothing because I am not a blowhard…

I think he gets a pass because he's a white dude married to a decorated war veteran, or maybe they just haven't gotten to the Os on the list yet.

#notallorphans

Funny thing: she's Canadian, but when they shoot her, she's almost always playing another nationality.

I'm pretty sure that's already a McSweeney's article.

Speak for yourself. Some of us can't get enough Jackée.

The only thing shocking about The Unauthorized Beverly Hills 90210 Story and The Unauthorized Melrose Place Story is that they haven't already made them yet. Seriously, haven't they?

Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know
Turn on the screen and I'll glow
To the extreme I satirize like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax sardonic like a candle.

Facebook: Are you not entertained?

This is great, because until this time, my raging narcism was only half-placated because I was only able to bestow the internet with my approval of things. Now that I get to make known my disapproval as well, everything should be fine.

Yeah, the condolences instance would be a good use of the dislike button, but it still seems kind of a frivolous response to a serious post.

South Park: "We'll make some fairly obvious jokes about any topic."

Because the places with jobs are unaffordable and the places that are affordable don't have jobs?

That's a shame. I remember flipping through the channels in college, seeing this, and thinking "what the what, is that the B-52s?"

If he were really the greatest ninja warrior, wouldn't we not be able to see him?

Yeah, whither Pete and Pete?

And just like that, the comfortingly non-dulcet tones of Fred Schneider singing the theme song will be in my head for the rest of the afternoon.

I also liked this astute line: "there’s saxophone all over it and it’s like this relentless attack."