Harumph! Even I had the sense to wear ecru and it was my first marriage! But perhaps non-Southerners aren't as sensitive about neutral shades of fabric. (Honestly, I do love the current trend of wedding dresses in other colors. It never made sense to me that on a day you're supposed to look your best you're limited…

I feel like "woman alone" should be a thing. "Women alone," I like the sound of it.

I teach preschool and one of my students (age 5) recently asked if I was married. When I said no she gasped and looked shocked. Another student, a boy nodded thoughtfully and said "You are a woman alone". When I could talk without laughing I agreed but mentioned that we usually just refer to it as being single. The…

"Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul?"

*SCREAMS AND FAINTS*

"The name's Fleabag Motel, but you can call me F.M., miss. Now, let's see 'bout gettin' you to Fresno."

Wow you dodged a bullet on the Crystal-Blue. I assume that was meant to be "Crystal Blue Persuasion" the Tommy James and the Shondells song, but...

YESSSSSSSSSSSS! Speech time! I'd like to thank EGR for recognizing my prom story as the best (natch). Thanks fucked up teenagehood for helping me win this awesome internet contest. I'd like to thank all my supporters for getting me to the top. And last but not least, thanks Baggage Bandit, where ever you are. …

I went to preschool with a boy called Mungo. All I remember is that he smelled like cheese and feet and would hit the other kids with a sandpit spade when they came too close. Fuckin Mungo.

My parents were crazy hippies in South Carolina and my dad wanted to name me "Alameda Belle" after some ancient folk singer. My grandfather objected that it sounded "like a race-horse" and I ended up with something else.

I would have preferred getting the "almost" name because what I got instead was a combination pity/hate name.

I have some pretty extreme middle names to cope with as it is, but god, if I was a boy I would've been... Mungo. MUNGO. Mungooooooo. My grandparents, bless them, bought a dog and called him Mungo in a last-ditch attempt to save me but my parents were planning to go ahead with it anyway, so set were they on ruining my…

I'm gonna turn 60 this year [I'm as shocked as everyone else, since I could swear I'm still 35]. I'm also adopted. It's a long story, but my parents had initially picked out a boy [yes, it used to be like shopping for shoes]. They were going to name him Tanner Edward, two old family names. But then, my soon-to-be-dad…

I'm actually a very literate Bassett hound, but sadly, female.

Oh, god. My dad has all of these terrible books. He finally convinced me to read one about crystal skulls or some bullshit like that, but I couldn't get through it because no one EVER made fun of his name. I mean, his name is DIRK FREAKIN PIT and no one ever gives him shit about it. As someone with a distinctive last…

My mom wanted to name my brother Luke, but the story goes that my dad had jealousy issues with Luke of General Hospital, so he was named after my dad instead.

Oh, I win this one easily. If I had been a boy I would have been named Barnstable. BARNSTABLE.

My middle name was going to be Orpha, after my grandmother. Bad enough. Worse: That would have made my initials C.O.W. Thank you Mom, for thinking twice. Especially since I was the chubby kid.

I know a man whose father came up with a girl's name he thought was the most beautiful name in the world, and would have bestowed this name on my acquaintance had he been a she. The name: Rejessica. (Why yes he came up with this name in the late 70s... why do you ask?) This acquaintance now uses Rejessica as a synonym…

Modern technology has to figure out how to put this on his Cooperstown plaque.