Look, Jezzies! Baby kitten update!

I maek bill say nippel bad OK relect me

I’m confused as to why this pee break thing is such a big deal. Is there a big advantage to having a president who wasn't late getting back from the bathroom that one time? Maybe Trump stores his urine in his hair and only has to pee once a week. I guess that would be helpful.

My neighbor still inexplicably has a jack o’lantern on their stoop and it looks better than Donald Trump does. It’s also much less sexist, racist and mindlessly malicious.

Yes, it’s me, Kris Kirstofferson! :)

This is so sweet, and it reminds me of something my dad used to do. When he would play guitar in the evenings, I would take out his song books and copy notes from them to “write songs.” Then I would bring them to him and he would play them. As it turns out, I was a wonderful song writer. Did you know I wrote Me and…

Lol. I have one lily-white pal whose dad told him they were black, and he believed it up to around second grade

My girlfriend Heidi Klum and I always feel bad when kids have to make up stories to make themselves seem more popular.

My dad convinced me and my sisters that “Resident” was a small, hairy person that lived under our house, which was built on a raised foundation. We put all our junk mail on the ground by the foundation’s vent hole, and would get so excited when it was gone next time we checked. “Resident came!”

/takes a toke/
I know, man...

When i was about high-school aged, my Dad used to have McDonald’s serving trays in our house and would use them for breakfast in bed , etc. I asked my Dad how he got them and he would say, “It was tray day at McDonald’s!”

Love you too! I believed that one hard for about fifteen years and it caused a lot of pain and strife. And then my eyes were opened and I decided to live my life the way I was meant to. And now me and Cindymoo are inseparable.

who isnt allen stone? he’s you. he’s me. he’s all of us.

Can we get two Mara Wilsons instead? That would be awesome.

Mine was a quasi-hookup, but bear with me. These dudes who lived together in a house while attending college were close-knit so they had a “post-Christmas” in February, in one of the dudes’ ranch in the countryside. I was invited by my BFF, one of the dudes’ girlfriends, and I was newly single, so I went. There was…

Cher’s tweet is also the way my brain works when I am trying to wake up.

Can I raise a motion to never include Seth MacFarlane in Tweet Beat ever again?

I’m black and I couldn’t agree with you less.

It’s very telling that in her narrative, she admits to not being a saint and never asks anyone to take her side or attack him, while he plays the martyr who did nothing wrong, makes it about race (which is, conveniently, the theme of his maybe book) and explicitly insults anyone who believes her and not him. Typical.

I feel like....I should hug you...but I’m also scared