Fielding really gives me the heebies.  

Can you put soda into an InstaWank?  *cue dramatic music*  SOMEONE GET ME THAT FROSTED-TIP FAT WEIRDO!

My god, you’re a brave wee soul.  Here, take your star and venture forth into culinary armageddon!

Oh god, yes.  But, any reason to slosh some blue food colouring in there!  

There was a restaurant in Blighty - long since vanished - that used to wank on about how unique and special it’s take on a dish was. People would flock to this restaurant from across the land. They’d ooh and aah over it, and similarly they’d wank on about it in the press and this fledgling “social media” (this was…

Totes.  But it’s true.  Also, “ranch” is not a flavour.  It’s a slimy ejaculant from Satan himself, but it’s not a flavour.

No, sugartits, the reason I watch is to watch people who are sometimes better than me make things that I think to myself “now why haven’t I tried that?” So stop your whiny snarking, go snack on some lard, race a whippet and then fuck off back to wherever it was you crawled out from. ‘Kay-kay?

First - it’s a British telly show, so we call it series, not season. Season is something you experience twice a year in Britain and it’s something a good portion of you need to learn to do with your chicken. And it’s the Great British Bake Off. Not Show. I don’t care what you demented Hersheys-fondlers call it - call…

You want a dog on a plane?  Get that fucking mutt in the hold with the rest of the cargo.  

Here’s the thing.

To be vicious (moi?!) about it - most of those who voted for it are more than likely dead.  Either way - those who voted for it are idiots who believed slogans on the side of a bus and they deserve to suffer and they deserve to be punished financially.  

How the everlasting fuck does wearing a pair of nasty yoga pants make one feel more ‘Murican?  

Finally convinced my parents to watch the Captain America movies. My stepfather says that Winter Soldier is definitely his favourite.  

So I went looking for a video where someone creates a really great crispy skin on their chook, but unfortunately the video has been deleted. But I found Fanny Cradock. Oh yes, people. And before anyone asks - yes, those are her eyebrows...

Hope he’s enjoying riding the cock of oblivion, the vile wee fucktard.  Is his fuckwit brother due to fuck off soon?

Honestly? I have to say that my biggest petty deal-breaker is if the guy doesn’t like my female friends. Two of them have been in my life since I was twelve and they’re as close to me as my sister. If a guy doesn’t like them, then bubye.

Ah, South Africa. Tell you a fun wee story?

I’m with her. I’ve dealt with some shitty stuff from my own family after I came out a few years ago and, I’ll be honest, I hardly speak to about a third of my family as a result. I’ve had the random “hi, I still love you, but your lifestyle choice is offensive to me, so stay away from XYZ event, KTHXBYE kisses!” texts…

Looks like a Friday night out in Glasgow to me, just with less stiletto-heel stabbings.  *files claws*

Ivanka has no power?  Well, that’s what you get when you forget to charge your sexbot!