Damn, you’ve had dinner with my grandmother, haven’t you?

“Yeah, very good. But it’s not in my glass, so what are you waiting for, eh?”

Ah, scrapple. Or, as some misguided fucknugget at the University of Glasgow (circa 1998) tried to tell me “it’s just like your square sausage!”

Am I bad for wishing they’d just taser her miserable face? Just pull a trigger, zap, instant perma-grin!

How in the everlasting sweetened hell that is the baby Jebus’s name is that making him more popular amongst African-Americans? I mean, she’s beige. How? Why? When?

The only thing that went well with that meeting is that she allegedly got away from him without getting her pussy groped. And given that it’s a Kardashian, that’s something. Both are horrific people, but him? I’d shove a sword up his piss-slit until it poked through his piggy wee eyes.

1. She’s been taken back to the Delos showroom. Even sexbots need maintenance (especially the cheaper models)

I wasn’t allowed to go out to a restaurant until I learned to sit at the table wearing something other than my underwear. And to chew food with my mouth closed. My cousin, however, seems to think that it’s adorable when her daughter goes running around in a restaurant as though it’s her own dining room. Sometimes I…

I’ll be honest - I like the Ariana Grande song. Charlie Puth makes me want to punch my ears in whenever that whinging little shit comes on the radio.

I’d recommend brushing the eggplant (or, as we call it over here, aubergine!) with a little oil. Also, try chargrilling some red pepper too - take the skin off afterwards, dice it and stir it through. It’s a lovely flavour.

I’ll admit, I did giggle at the thought of you “mispronouncing” culinary words - but, quite frankly, no one would really give a shit if you mispronounced a word like hummus, especially as how it seems to change in every single damned country in Africa and the Middle East where I’ve had it. Don’t beat yourself up too…

Oh, and mega-yes to red onion. I’ve always found it to be a more delicate flavour than white or brown onions - plus, it can add a pop of colour to the dish!

Eggplant is one of my family’s go-to’s whenever we want to make something without bothering with meat. It’s so damned versatile. Do you chargrill your eggplant before you make your bolognese? If not, try it.

I’d make one small adjustment to this - it sounds utterly delicious already - but I’d replace the button mushrooms with something with a little bit more flavour and not pulse them into oblivion, say, maybe chestnut mushrooms? Knowing my grandmother, she’d insist on using this recipe - combined with some good ciabatta…

Tick-fucking-tock, DUP. Tick-fucking-tock....

Chad, honey?

I always recommend Spanish paprika. It’s what I was raised on - my mother loved to sprinkle it on vegetables fresh out of the oven or over fish. It’s one of the most useful - and delicious - spices out there. It’s also, bizarrely, good with hot chocolate when added with a pinch of cinnamon.

Damn, Aunt Smokey-eyes nearly had me convinced she’s a human.

Officer Derp’s how old? God. Kids, listen up - that’s a prime reason why you should always use moisturiser. You don’t want to wake up with a face like a spoiled potato, do you?

Yup. Just goes to show what happens when you breed with swamp trash.