I’ll be honest - I like the Ariana Grande song. Charlie Puth makes me want to punch my ears in whenever that whinging little shit comes on the radio.

I’d recommend brushing the eggplant (or, as we call it over here, aubergine!) with a little oil. Also, try chargrilling some red pepper too - take the skin off afterwards, dice it and stir it through. It’s a lovely flavour.

I’ll admit, I did giggle at the thought of you “mispronouncing” culinary words - but, quite frankly, no one would really give a shit if you mispronounced a word like hummus, especially as how it seems to change in every single damned country in Africa and the Middle East where I’ve had it. Don’t beat yourself up too…

Oh, and mega-yes to red onion. I’ve always found it to be a more delicate flavour than white or brown onions - plus, it can add a pop of colour to the dish!

Eggplant is one of my family’s go-to’s whenever we want to make something without bothering with meat. It’s so damned versatile. Do you chargrill your eggplant before you make your bolognese? If not, try it.

I’d make one small adjustment to this - it sounds utterly delicious already - but I’d replace the button mushrooms with something with a little bit more flavour and not pulse them into oblivion, say, maybe chestnut mushrooms? Knowing my grandmother, she’d insist on using this recipe - combined with some good ciabatta…

Tick-fucking-tock, DUP. Tick-fucking-tock....

Chad, honey?

I always recommend Spanish paprika. It’s what I was raised on - my mother loved to sprinkle it on vegetables fresh out of the oven or over fish. It’s one of the most useful - and delicious - spices out there. It’s also, bizarrely, good with hot chocolate when added with a pinch of cinnamon.

Damn, Aunt Smokey-eyes nearly had me convinced she’s a human.

Officer Derp’s how old? God. Kids, listen up - that’s a prime reason why you should always use moisturiser. You don’t want to wake up with a face like a spoiled potato, do you?

Yup. Just goes to show what happens when you breed with swamp trash.

Genetic ignorance, to be honest. I’m lucky that my family has had a rather varied combination of ethnicities, going back as far as any one in my family can reach. We know that skin colour can vary dramatically - myself, I’m as white as the ghost of milk, but my cousin, who seems like he’s from an all-white family, has…

Well, I’m disgusted. Anyone else?

Yeah, good luck with finding yourself a new job, Debbie...

Give the old wankpot his burger - but not before wiping it on the rim of the shittiest, slimiest toilet you have. And then piss on it. And then sprinkle laxatives on it. Fucktards like that deserve dysentery. 

If anyone’s looking for something to fill the gaping void that Roseanne has left (no, shaddup, I didn’t mean it like that...) can I recommend One Day At A Time on Netflix? It’s utterly joyous.

Ahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahhaahahahahahahahah *gasp* hahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahhaha!

Right! New game!

So, going by the picture at the top, Rich...are you trying to look like either the oldest living twink or do you want to look like a used sexbot?