tRUMP: You are all invited to the White House, win or lose!

The only people who thought he won the debates are the kinds of people who thought “YOU’RE the puppet!” was a clever rejoinder and stalking Hillary around the stage was totally intimidating LOL and not just creepy as hell.

“I looked up a bunch of stuff on the internet, and now this is what I think.”

Dear Idiot-In-Chief,

I’ve never understood why the goalie isn’t allowed to move — in any direction — as soon as the striker does. The closer to 50/50 success on PKs, the more exciting the whole process would be.

A potential employer told me to send her a link, so I mailed her some sausage.

Unlike most other national teams, neither US team has a nickname.

Every time either of these teams are referred to as “Lionesses” I can’t help but hear “Linuses”, although there was clearly only one team that needed a swift kick to the Charlie Browns.

Dropped in to say Einhander. The mechanics are the most fun of any shmup ever.

I’m stealing that dead-voiced ‘how are the markets doing?’ line with the junk in the face to use on my special ladyfriend. The comedy value of a creepily-whispered ‘I’m standing right behind you’ has worn thin and we needed a new jam. Thanks Cohn!

Once in a great while the stars align and some strutting douche who deserves to be humiliated actually gets what’s coming to him. I used to think that someone was the Vanderbilt whistler, then “fuck you” happened.

wtf is a fillion lol

Miserable, miserable people flailing wildly in every direction on the off-chance they’ll strike someone who might be *GASP* enjoying themselves.

If there is another 9/11-type attack between now and November 2020, we are going to war with Iran whether they have anything to do with it or not (see also: Iraq 2003).

All she does is Nchout.

He doesn’t even have to be in the room to be the dumbest guy in the room.

Hey girl, I saw you from across the room and noticed you’re not with anyone so I was wondering if I could buy you a dri-

Can’t decide what genre of music you’re in the mood for?

In this era of uncertainty, it nice to wander in here and confirm that the comments for this article are exactly what I expected them to be.