There’s a level on which my favorite part of this is the official press release containing the sentence “We are not screwing around, Philly.”

Fuck this dude. He sounds like an annoying asshole.

“there’s no evidence to support the perception he intended to create alarm.”

“Hello?” is literally how they tell you to answer the phone in kindergarten. “KYLE WAGNER” is how they tell you to answer the phone at business school for babies.

I’m sorry, are you out here arguing against saying “Hello?” when answering the phone?

I was working at a margarita bar on the water, so winter was slow. We relied on our regulars, a few of which were a group of late twenties bro dudes who would come in for nachos and fish bowl sized margaritas. They were generally ok, except they LOVED to flirt with all of the female staff, despite none of us being…

They never took a doggie bag home and they never touched Golem Jesus’s meal.

Many years ago at the group home for developmentally disabled teens where I worked there was a resident who really, really wanted to go to the best steak house in the city for his 18th birthday. He had behavior and anger issues, but was determined to earn that birthday dinner, and he managed it. So another staff…

I mean it says “...or BUST!” right on its face. It was literally asking for it.

Thank you for saying it. They may as well have just used a small GPS transponder. That was a robot in the same way that my IG88 action figure is.

God, that last one is like a Monty Python sketch. It’s ex-ice cream! It’s ice cream pining for the fjords!

What are the odds that Mr. Sensitive wore a fedora?

The story about the cancer-free anniversary “date” is one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever read. That’s some Ralph Wiggum/Lisa Simpson shit right there.

CONSHY STRONG.

NO GLASS BY THE POOL

Is this a good poolside beer?

I feel like if you get hit by somebody named "Big Jim", you're gonna have a bad time.

if I get the fuck out, can I get some ham? Will it be kosher?

Who the fuck is surprised that a woman named Eileen would only fill out the first leg?